Our Mixed Blessings...

Spirituality...with a 5 year old

2012-02-06T19:15:00.002-06:00

Oh my little girl! She is always thinking, perceptive and always ready to state what's on her mind. This morning, as she was getting ready for preschool, there was some sassy behavior when an adult gave her directions. I asked her what God thought about that and got no response. (Other than the mean eyes and crossed arms.) Since they were supposed to be heading out the door, I asked her if she should pray about her attitude and then prayed a quick prayer outloud regarding having a good attitude. (More hard eyes and crossed arms but add in a pouty lip.) I then told her not to worry about it, that I would pray for her while she was gone. (And then I danced around and sang a silly song with the words "I'm going to pray for you...please don't smile." Which worked wonders and produced a smile.) Anyhoo, fast forward to this afternoon and a bit more sassiness. I told Conleigh how I had asked God for a Bible verse to help with her attitude and asked if she wanted to hear it. Her response? A slightly know it all reply of "I know what God told you-I am fussy to all." There you go. The gospel according to Conleigh. "I am fussy to all."

Later tonight, I was taking a bath in our cast iron clawfoot tub when in popped Conleigh. I had just lowered myself in and leaned back against the cold metal. As I grimmaced, Conleigh asked what was wrong. I relayed how the metal was cold and asked if she had ever noticed that when she got in the tub. "Nope, " she said. "Jesus comes in and makes my tub warm." So a big shout out for the Big Guy; His love is especially moving when it heats up your bathtub.

Love this goofy little character, the girl of a thousand faces!

No, she is not just vegging out. This is her "I'm too cool" look.

2 Years Home: What Make Me Smile Most

2012-02-02T13:56:00.001-06:00

Friday marks two years since Conleigh has come home. There are so many things I could say about her. How the death look she gets when angry or annoyed has not changed since she was a baby. How her flair for the dramatic will probably be with us forever. How much she has learned in terms of numbers, vocabulary, and letters.

But I think that in the last few months the things that have really shown me her growth have been little behaviors, things probably a lot of other people would overlook. Maybe they are small and not as monumental as I think but to me, they speak volumes about how she views us as her parents and how her heart is growing.

The first thing that has just made me smile is the frequency with which she asks my permission. From "Mama, can I eat my snack in the living room?" to "Mama, can I play over there?" to "Mama, can I have another cookie?", she is asking ME. She is looking to ME as the authority, as the person who she needs approval from. That is a huge change in her behavior. Not because she was defiant or disrespectful. (At least no more than the usual kiddo.) But because it is indicative of a change in her heart. She is seeking to please and to do the right thing not because she fears the punishment but because she treasures her relationship. (Shouldn't that be the goal of all parenting, adoptive or not? But with adoptive parenting, I think getting to that point sometimes is trickier due to the way fear is often pervasive in the subconscious of our kids.)

The other thing I've been smiling about revolves around a supper time incident from this week. She was slow to finish her supper so everyone else had gotten up from the table which left Conleigh at the table with a bowl of rice and a plate of unfinished chicken and vegetables. She had been begging for more rice but at our house, you can't have seconds of something unless you've eaten what is already on your plate. She was reminded of this and told to eat what was still on her plate. As soon as we left, she slid the bowl over to get more rice. Sneaky...she waited until we left. Full of distrust...she was told that even if she didn't get seconds tonight, there was plenty of rice and she could have it tomorrow. The rice incident represents a heart that can be very focused on food and a heart that resorts to sneakiness/dishonesty in order to get what it wants. I stopped her and moved the rice away while asking her to finish a bite of chicken and a bite of vegetables since she hadn't tried everything on er plate. Then I apologized for leaving the rice so close to her. (I know, you're thinking that makes NO sense! But hear me out. I simply said, "I'm sorry I left the rice so close to you. I know it's hard for you to not take extra food and if I had moved it away from you, it might have been easier for you to make a good choice." ) Immediately, she was humbled. She buried her head in my shoulder and said "Mama, I feel bad." We have been working for months and months to get a genuine response from her in terms of dishonesty (sneaking food/telling the truth). We have done sour things on her tongue, extra chores, memory verses, etc.. Her response has seemed disconnected, more about her head knowing what is wrong and right but her heart remaining unmoved. This time, it was different. I told her she was done eating, that she was not allowed seconds on rice because she took the rice when she knew she was not supposed to but that the rice would be in the fridge as a left over which she could eat for lunch tomorrow. And she accepted that and went on. No crying, no fussing, no arguing.

Joy, sweet joy, for this mama...the heart is changing!

Meanness vs. Racism-Another Perspective

2012-01-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

From my world wide web friend, L, who blogs at Wordy Girl...

L is also the mama to a little girl from Haiti. Her girlie is in elementary school.

"We have been blessed by very diverse public schools, but we have not been exempt from those kinds of remarks being made to V. If I were you, I would mention it to the teacher so she can be on the look out for this child's similar behaviors and nip them in the bud. It might not be racism...yet. But it could easily develop into that if she is allowed to remark on people's race without any consequences. As a parent, I would absolutely want to know if my child said something like that so that I could address it with her. Perhaps the teacher could decide whether it warrants a remark to the parent.

One of the things I have come to appreciate is that racism is determined by the experience of the victim. If it feels like racism to the person to whom it's directed, then it is. PC and I have a rule - if it looks like racism and smells like racism, it is."

Many of the thing L said I actually thought about. If my child were making mean comments regardless of what they were, I would expect the teacher to deal with it and to let me know if the problem persisted.

I also think what she said about perception being true. We've all heard that perception is reality and if someone is feeling slighted and perceives that race was a reason for the slight, then you can't talk them out of his/her feeling. One of the best things I think I've read on racism and our sensitivity to it came from another adoptive mom in some forum. What she said was that for people who are the minority, they often walk around "sunburned." They have had previous experiences that have left them hurting. But those of us who don't know them closely don't see those previous experiences. For the "sunburned" person, a light pat can feel like a slap and a poke can bring them to tears. Those previous experiences make certain situations extremely painful. It is not necessarily pain that is forced or exagerated, but pain that is a part of who they are. In other words, their what has happened in the past and what is happening now are shaping their perception of how they think others view them as a black person, white person, Asian person, etc..

I know a lot of moms who are parenting kids of a different color who would have done just what L said. They would have let the teacher know what their daughter said happened and asked the teacher to deal with it. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's another one of those mom issues that perhaps there isn't a right way to do it. In my case, I had good reasons for why I handled it the way I did. (My prior background with little kids and race, my prior experience as a teacher, the age of the child, the number of incidents.) And if L were faced with a similar situation and dealt with it in the manner she described, she would have had a good rationale behind her actions as well.

There's really just one story here. We both are moms who are keenly aware that we are not raising Caucasian children. We're both moms who want to make sure our kids know that they can talk to us about issues involving their skin. We're both moms who want to make sure our kids know that it is not okay for someone to make us feel badly, especially in regards to our skin color. We're both moms who want our kids to be empowered and assertive. It's one story just different perspectives.

More proof I'm a Mom...

2012-01-26T17:34:00.002-06:00

*I have a dirty sock hidden behind my tv...and I know it's there but just don't care
*the snow in my front yard has rake tracks in it
*I am very hopeful that I convinced my child that his rash is not appropriate for show and tell on today, especially since it is circular and looks like ringworm (it's not; the professionals have declared it ezcema). I am about 95% sure he shared his wiggly tooth instead.
*I was the referee in an argument that sounded like this: Kenson, you're a door uh bull! I am not! I'm handsome! Stop calling me names!

All from last week because what mom has time to actually document her kids' lives as they are actually happening?

3 years...head down memory lane

2012-01-25T12:32:00.000-06:00

It's been three years this week since Kenson came home. 3 years? Hard to believe he was little and small when now he is big and tall. (Especially since he just polished off a cup of yogurt, 2 fried eggs, a piece of toast with jelly, about 1/2 a cup of mango, and 1 orange slice for lunch.) On the teetor totter of attachment, he's now spent 2 1/2 years in orphanage care and 3 years in a family. It's just one of those things that makes me smile to know that he now has 6 months of his life where family living outweights orphanage living. Head back in time and check out my posts from that January, full of pictures and some little tidbits about being home with our new little guy.

Racism or just plain old mean

2012-01-24T17:17:00.000-06:00

Today, Conleigh told me that someone hurt her feelings at school yesterday. At first glance, I think there are a lot of white moms who are parenting black children who probably would have been burning in their souls over the hurt. Here's the situation: another little girl told Conleigh she couldn't play a certain game because only peach girls could play. At the surface, it sounds a lot like racism. And my Mama ears certainly perked up when I heard that skin color was involved.

As we talked, I worked with Conleigh on responses for when people say things like that. Responses like "That hurts my feelings. Stop.", "Brown girls can do anything peach girls can do.", "That's not true." and "Why do you say that?" We also talked about when to walk away and when to tell a teacher. Sometimes it's not worth wasting your words on a mean person. When telling a teacher, you should try to use your words to resolve the problem but if you can't, tell the teacher as it's happening and be sure to mention that peach and brown were involved. In this case, perhaps the best response is actually asking the little girl in question to look at her own skin color. She's Hispanic and is more beige than peach. (Conleigh thought that was quite funny.)

All of that still leaves the looming questions: does the preschool have a rampant racist and what will I do about it? After hearing more, I think what is more likely at play is a little girl who often treats others with meanness choosing to continue that meanness by pointing out something that she thinks makes Conleigh different. (Based on previous comments made by both of my children regarding this little one and the things she says.) Perhaps I am naive but I don't think this little girl's family carries on at home, making disparging marks about black people. Instead, I tend to believe that this little girl has probably witnessed cattiness of the female variety and perhaps has witnessed someone making comments about others who are different. So the reality is, I'm not doing anything other than teaching Conleigh to do her best to deal with it on her own. Mean people are a part of life and the best thing I can do for Conleigh is to give her the tools to deal with it. If it happens again, then perhaps we will take a different approach. But as a one time display of meanness and little girl "blechiness", we'll leave it at that.

Locs Style-Full Head Flat Twists

2012-01-19T08:31:00.000-06:00

I always have a terrible time finding any inspiration for things to do to jazz up Conleigh's locs so I thought I'd share our latest style online for others to view. I parted her hair in half and then parted each half into 4 sections. From there, I did flat twists starting at the front and going all the way to the nape of her neck. I find myself using flat twists over cornrows because they are faster and because Conleigh doesn't have lot of hair in some places so I run out of hair if I try to do cornrows. Since cornrows are a braid, if you miss stitches it starts getting very noticeable. With flat twists, you can miss stitches and no one is any wiser. At the neckline, I used a rubber band to hold each twist which left me with some straggly looking ponytails. So I twisted and rolled each of those ponytails into messy buns which I secured with a soft, colored ponytail holder. (Early morning pics, after about 2 days of wear so we're a little messy looking yet. She does have some new growth which I just started braiding/locking so I didn't want to stress it by putting it back in the twists.)

A Kidnapping Plot is Hatched

2012-01-14T20:00:00.000-06:00

Last night, D tucked Conleigh into bed and laid down beside her for a few moments. As he laid there, she informed him that she needed to talk to him. About Ezekiel. Which was of course fine with Derek. And then she asked "Can we go steal him?"

Love the Boy...His Thoughts on Future Employment

2012-01-13T20:50:00.000-06:00

About a month ago, I was in the car doing the unthinkable, talking on my phone. I was returning a phone call from one of the workers with Lutheran Family Services regarding questions I had about getting our homestudy completed. Kenson happened to be in the back and wanted to know who I was talking to. Since he didn't know the woman, I simply said it was someone who helps kids who don't have families find families. I added that that must be a pretty cool job and Kenson agreed, saying with a very serious voice, "I want to do that job when I get big."

Fast forward to this week. Again, we were in the van. Kenson and Conleigh were having some conversation about jobs. I don't remember the exact words but somehow Conleigh offered up a suggestion to Kenson for things to do when he got bigger. Offended, he huffed back "I'm not doing that! I'm helping families and kids. What job do I want to do again, Mama?"

Oh my deep thinking little boy. What other 5 year old do you know who would like to be a social worker when he gets big?

Let's All Say Emancipation Proclamation! Adventures in Transracial Parenting

2012-01-11T11:38:00.002-06:00

This President's Day will mark a change in our parenting, I think. I know that's not something most people would say. But this Monday (or sometime around there), we will be deliberately talking to our kids about race. I wouldn't say that we've ignored race in the past. There have been lots of discussions about chocolate skin and peach skin. But we have let that be child initiated, never something we deliberately pointed out or called their attention to. (Other than maybe pointing out someone on tv who was chocolate.)

But this February, we're headed full force into parenting kids of a different color and tackling the topic of slavery. I know-you're probably thinking "With your 5 year olds?" It sounds almost inappropriate. But hear me out.

We definitely recognize that we as parents shape our kids views about race and their views regarding racism. We also recognize that by making every unfair or questionable incident about racism, that this is akin to crying wolf. That this crying wolf means true episodes of racism get ignored because we are always playing the race card. We also recognize that being overly sensitive about race issues may create in our children a cynical, jaded perspective that doubts the goodness of others and does not give others grace when we are unsure of their motives.

But we are also aware that we are not parenting kids who are white. At some point in time, we will be having hard conversations with our kids about race because of the actions of others, news stories, and their own curiousities. As someone else has said, race is a little like s*x. There are lots of things you don't want your child learning from others and lots of things you'd like to be the first to explain.

Slavery is one of those things. I've known for awhile that we would have to discuss it with our kids. As former first grade teacher, I have covered the topic of slavery as part of our curriculum. It's pretty hard to explain Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. without giving a very basic introduction into our country's racial history.

And in doing so, I'm pretty sure I watched two black students learn about the idea while sitting in a class full of mostly white and Hispanic kids, without the comforting words of a parent to help sort out the questions and confusion. I just watched the wheels turn as their little brains made the connections. "Black people were not treated well." "People said mean things to black people because their skin was black." "Black people were made to be slaves? I'm not even sure I understand what that means but it doesn't sound good." "I'm black." How I wished I could have spoken with the parents to make sure their child was processing all of this well. But race is already a difficult issue. Add that it feels a bit like questioning their parenting, and there just didn't seem to be a good way to say "I am wondering if you've covered black history with your child because we talked about it at school today and she seemed pretty shocked."

I recently read a post on Rage Against the Minivan that reminded me that we need to start tackling some of these hard topics, before our kids hit school and have friends and teachers introduce them to things like slavery, abuse, and civil rights. So this President's Day, we'll wade into some pretty deep waters. We'll add some tools like short biographies on President Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. to our toolbox, remind our kids that not all white people treated black people badly, begin telling them about Haiti's history as the first black democracy that arose out of a slave revolt, and end by sharing that all races have the ability to be mean and hurtful to others because of skin color and that this is always wrong. While normally we're not fans of pride as a behavior, I am hoping that come President's Day next near, my kids will perhaps smile smugly as they hold in a small but grand secret: They already know just what the teacher is talking about.

Nothing is Impossible

2012-01-08T13:24:00.000-06:00

When we met with our social worker last week to wrap up our homestudy meetings, she asked us what our kids thought about Zeke's special need. Then she quickly added, "I guess maybe you haven't told them?" Her assumption was correct. We hadn't. Mostly because we were still waiting to hear "yes" from China and it seemed like an extra detail to add to our simple conversation with them of "We're praying about having a little boy or girl from China come to be in our family."

Tonight at supper, the time seemed perfect. While they were finishing, we said our Bible verse for the night which was "For with God, nothing is impossible." I asked them about impossible situations like people flying or turning funny colors like blue or purple. And then D piped up, telling them that Zeke doesn't really have fingers. He asked them if it will be impossible for Zeke to throw a ball or ride a bike. Kenson and Conleigh just couldn't fathom that. I mean, how would he hold onto things? Then D asked them if they thought Zeke would be able to hold a cup or bottle. Again, they were pretty sure he couldn't. Therein lies the perfect moment because we have some photos of him holding a cup. It was a perfect tie in to our verse. People think things seem impossible but God helps us to do the impossible. He helps people with no hands ride bikes and throw balls and hold cups.

Then Kenson proceeded to finish his supper and start on unloading the dishwasher while trying to use only his thumb and pointer finger, just like Zeke...gotta love that kid!

Adopting Down Syndrome Kids-Now is the Time!

2012-01-06T20:53:00.000-06:00

If you have ever thought about adopting a child with Down's Syndrome, I have to say that now might be the time. There is a huge amount of money currently available to offset adoption costs for families who choose to adopt a child featured on the advocacy site, Reece's Rainbow. (Like most kids have $1000 in their funds and some kids have over $10, 000 with a few close to or topping the $20, 000 mark.) I've just pulled up a few faces; there are many many more.

Xander, currently has over $6, 000 in his fund

Dmitry, currently has over $4, 000 in his fund

Natalie, currently has $1300 in her fund

Ashlyn, currently has over $1300 in her fund

Ilya, currently has $7600 in his fund

Jimmy, currently has over $2000 in his fund

Alexander, currently has over $11, 000 in his fund

Eli, currently has almost $19, 500 in his fund (yes, $19, 500! That's a crazy amount! Somebody take this kid home!

Danila, has over $11, 000 in her fund

Victoria, has over $4, 000 in her fund

Meredith, currently has almost $6, 500 in her fund

Megan, currently has $23, 598 in her fund...that has to make the cost of her adoption less than $10, 000!

Kyle, has almost $2, 500 in his fund

Evie, has almost $7, 000 in her fund

Celine, has almost $8, 000 in her fund

Kolya, has $1000 in his fund

Why China?

2012-01-05T20:51:00.001-06:00

Why China? How did we get to China? I mean, really it's out of left field for us. China? Really? Trust me when I say that there are times that I am not sure exactly how this all came to be or if I really understand that at some point in time I am going to be getting on a plane and going to China.

I love Haiti in so many ways. And I tried really hard to make our next adoption a Haitian one. (I don't want Haiti to just be a "sending place." I want it to be a part of our lives. And adding another country into the mix concerned me. How would we keep meaningful connections in more than one foreign country?) But door after door kept shutting. We aren't old enough. And as of last spring when we first started thinking about another adoption, most places in Haiti weren't taking anyone who wasn't 35. I did find one agency who was advocating for a little boy who was HIV positive but there was a lot of upfront expense for something that involved a fair amount of risk. (The adoption not the HIV part. We are pretty sure we are up for HIV but that's another story.) So we looked at other options (other countries/domestic) but never settled on anything. Then D's grandma got sick and passed away. Then my dad got sick. We looked at a couple of other options in Haiti, people who felt confident they could get us approved for a special needs child. (They had 3 kiddos who we were really interested in.) Then that "yes" quickly turned into "no" as the orphanage changed their minds on accepting us due to our ages. So back to the drawing board. Then my dad died and we really weren't in a place to make any decisions despite having a very reputable agency/orphanage in Haiti say they would work with us.

I've always liked to peruse the online photolistings like Rainbow Kids and Reece's Rainbow. That has been especially true since this spring as we were fairly certain we would be looking at a child with special needs. I generally ignored pretty much everything related to Asia on those sites as I just didn't think we would ever go there. (I wasn't even sure we qualified for China based on their income requirements and many of the other Asian countries are pretty expensive.) And then, in the middle of November, there was a little girl who was missing an arm on Rainbow Kids. I'm not sure why but I was interested. D agreed to ask for more info which we did. She was placed with another family a few days later but it really got our toes in the water in terms of Chinese adoption. The more we started looking, the more it seemed like a good fit. The timeline was right. The cost was right. And after talking with the staff from the situation that piqued our interest, we learned that we did qualify. While we were looking at the file of this little girl, I happened to get online to check out reviews of the agency who had her file and was contacted by a woman who encouraged me to join another online group devoted to advocating for China's waiting children. I did and was amazed. There were hundreds of photos and a forum full of current information on the process. That pretty much sealed the deal.

Zeke was not actually among their waiting child photos. But through this advocacy site, I started connecting to other advocacy sites including those managed by different agencies. Zeke was being advocated for by his agencies, BAAS.

It's been an exciting last few days. We hope you'll continue to pray for us and Zeke as we wait. We have always prayed that God would bind the hearts of our kids to our hearts while we wait. I'm not sure how often we will get pictures or updates and we know for certain that we will not be visiting him before the adoption is final. Those little things work magic on a Mama heart. Would you pray that even without those things he would grow in our hearts? And that his heart would be healed from the grief and trauma which may have marked his early years and will most definitely mark his transition home? Would you pray for our finances? Adoption is not an inexpensive proposition. We have money set aside but we would like to not drain our savings account. Even doing that, I think we would still be short. And would you pray for our kids? Pray that they would be ready to love Zeke, that God would again press hearts together and grow relationships.

Believing that God is already at work...

More on Zeke

2012-01-05T16:44:00.002-06:00

As my last post indicated, Zeke is a waiting child. That means that he either has some special medical need or is considered having a special need due to his age.

In Zeke's case, he has a medical special need. Zeke was born with birth defects which affect his hands. He is actually missing one hand completely and is missing most of the fingers on his other hand. (The politically correct term for all of that is limb differences.)

From what little bit my uneducated brain can gather, there is no real reason for why those changes occurred while Zeke was in utero; modern medicine hasn't figured it out yet. My understanding is that there are a handful of reasons a child can have limb differences including genetic syndromes, amniotic banding, and symbrachydactyly. Based on how the cases present themselves, I think he has the later which is basically a malformation of the hand that occurs early in the pregnancy for reasons yet unknown. Of course, I could be completely off on that...we'll have to wait to see once he gets home.

In general, we don't know exactly what that will mean for Zeke in terms of surgery, usage of his hand, etc.. Generally, most kids/adults who have issues with their upper limbs often forego prosthetics because they just prefer the mobility and dexterity that they have with their actual bodies. We honestly just expect him to be a resilient, happy kid who, according to D, "can still play soccer!" (Of course, we're prepared to deal with more, knowing that there are no guarantees with international adoption but we're optimistic that the concerns with his hands will be minimal.)

We do have pictures but my understanding is that we are not allowed to post them in a public forum like the Internet. We have to be further in the process for that. Can't wait until we get to that place!

The Question of the Hour

2012-01-04T20:14:00.000-06:00

Lots of inquiring minds have asked "So what the due date for this new little guy?" I'm still feeling out Chinese adoptions so I could have a lot of things wrong but we are hoping this will be a smooth, pain free process without a lot of hiccups. Compared to Haiti which is infamous for its every changing ways, China seems to be fairly efficient and predictable. (Things Haiti was not.) It's actually a bit opposite from Haiti in that a lot of the paperwork that must be done to ensure the child is in need of a family is done before you are even matched. And the dossier assembly will take longer than Haiti because you have to have a form approved by immigration before you can submit your dossier to China but once your dossier is to China it's very straight forward with each step sticking to a fairly basic timeline. We are optimistic that we will be traveling 9-12 months from now. (Which sounds like an absolute dream given the length of our last two adoptions.) It is possible that it could be even sooner than that depending on how long it takes to get our dossier together but we'll go with 9-12 months.

Here's the process and estimates on timelines:

Submit LOI (Letter of Intent) to China that identifies a child you'd like to adopt.

Wait 1-4 weeks for Pre Approval (PA)

Complete homestudy and start assembling dossier (3-4 months)

Send dossier to China
Wait for LID (log in date) which is China acknowledging that your dossier has been received (1-4 weeks)

Wait for LOA (Letter of Approval) which is China formally approving you as parents for your child-52 days is average wait

File I800, I864 (US immigration paperwork)

Wait for I800 approval (3 weeks)

Have I800 approval cabled to US Consulate in China (2 weeks)

Wait for Article 5 (2-3 weeks)

Wait for travel approval (TA), 2-4 weeks

The orange parts we have already done. And the blue items we were working on at the same time as the orange items so we are actually already started on doing those things. We just had our last homestudy visit Tuesday night and have been working on getting items in for the dossier. So hopefully it won't take us 3-4 months to get our dossier finished; hopefully it will be sooner. That leaves all the steps in black which are about 6 months on the long side.

China, Here We Come!

2012-01-03T21:31:00.000-06:00

We're excited to announce that we have been granted pre approval from China to adopt a little boy whom we will name Ezekiel Jian. Zeke is just a bit over 17 months old. (We'd love to post a photo but we can't just yet.) Will you join us in celebrating this big change?

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Joy in the Middle

2011-12-29T08:55:00.000-06:00

Where do we find joy when joy seems elusive? Where do we find it in the middle of death and financial difficulty, in the middle of natural disasters, betrayal, or sickness. Or just in the middle of the common ache of life?

Perhaps it is not joy that is escaping us but that quick emotional high we get from the feel good moments of life? When those feel good moments vanish, where does joy go?

Joy is there and happiness too. But it it not quite the same. It is no longer a happy that is fleeting and fragile crushed by a bucketful of tragic circumstances.

Yes, it's that happy-go-lucky happy that I'm not sure I can find.

But a deep sturdy joy?

A deep seeded, God-is-here-in-the-midst-of-this joy? An I'm-not-afraid joy that claws its way out of the pit of circumstance?

A die-to-my-own-desires joy, a letting-go-of-how-you-thought-life-would-be-because-you-are-trusting-God's-way joy?

That joy is here. It's not light and fluffy, rainbows and roses.

It is joy that fights its way out from your soul, a form of trench warfare that pits joy against your need for control, your anger, your impatience, and your pride. Joy that does not come as a regal warrior who conquered your heart with one swift move all while atop a white horse. It's dirty and disheveled, almost unrecognizable.

We want the white horse, but joy comes on a swaybacked old mare.

We want fast victory but joy is a long lesson.

We want a powerful hero but joy comes in on tiptoes.

Joy is there; it's just not as it seems.

Find it in the small moments.

Fight for it in the chaos.

Choose to believe it will be there.

Because the divine God is almost always about human contradiction. Humbleness makes you strong. Laying down your life makes your life worth more. Being last makes you first. Sorrow brings you an unshakable joy.

2 Corinthians 6:3-10
But in everything commending ourselves as servants of God, in much endurance, in afflictions, in hardships, in distresses, in beatings, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in hunger, in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love, in the word of truth, in the power of God; by the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and the left, by glory and dishonor, by evil report and good report; regarded as deceivers and yet true; as unknown yet well-known, as dying yet behold, we live; as punished yet not put to death, as sorrowful yet always rejoicing, as poor yet making many rich, as having nothing yet possessing all things.

Death and Reality

2011-12-28T09:26:00.000-06:00

Just a few weeks ago, while cuddling Kenson in his bed for a few moments after bedtime, he whispered to me “Grandpa’s really not coming back, right?” Almost 4 months after Grandpa has been gone and he is still holding out a little bit of hope that maybe it’s not really the way it is. I found myself amazed at his thinking.

But even this big girl gets caught up in how surreal death is. How many times in the last few months have I felt like this was some really bad dream? Until something pricks my heart with reality.

Something like the words of a 5 year old who really wants his grandpa back so they can go feed cows together. It’s hearing someone recount how the harvest got done by friends, listening as familiar last names from my growing up days, names like Myers and Estes, Griebel, Ritchie, and Slagle, all flow out, mixed in with words like combine and auger wagon and corn. It’s seeing new old pictures of my dad, knowing his hair isn’t going to go gray, knowing his face will forever be that way in my mind, a strange mix of the way he was in the most recent photos with the way he was on the night he died, feeling the heavy weight of my brother on my back as he leans in with tears. It’s knowing that if I am in the car alone, without my kids, that the reality will probably crashing down, because when I am alone, when it is quiet, my mind most often goes there.

There just isn’t a fast way through it or an easy way over it.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T21:02:00.001-06:00

May you remember the reason for the season, knowing that the God of heaven, the King of all Kings, humbled Himself to become one of us, all as just one tiny piece of the Greatest Love Story the world has ever known.

From Soren Kiirkegaard's The King and the Maiden-

Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden who lived in a poor village in his kingdom. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist-no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know for sure? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them. For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal.

The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend to her. Clothed as a beggar, he approached her cottage with a worn cloak fluttering loose about him. This was not just a disguise – the king took on a totally new identity – He had renounced his throne to declare his love and to win hers.

Conleigh or Kenson Quotes?

2011-12-17T09:08:00.001-06:00

"Mom! Guess what's in my pants? Actually, it's in my underwear. It's a pretend orange! But don't worry it doesn't have poop on it."

During a conversation on bad smells, "Or you can be stinky like a sweaty boy!" (Think our kids are the children of a high school boys' soccer coach?)

"Zuuuummmmm! I'm a Superhero!"-said while running then leaping into the air with not just scissors but also a dinner knife...

D-"I think Grandpa can see you from heaven."
"You do? You're the smartest person in the world!"

Upon seeing a commercial for Starbucks coffee beans, "I don't want any of those. They make you cough." (Say it all slowly...)

After having a child sneeze in my hair, I reminded said child to cover their mouth when sneezing. The response? "My boogers come out of my nose not my mouth." "Yes, and they are probably in my hair." "What do boogers smell like?" "I have no idea." "What do boogers taste like?" "Really?" 'I think they taste like sausage."

Got any guesses as to who said what today?

'Tis the Season...

2011-12-16T08:55:00.000-06:00

For exploding heads? I have serious felt like my head was in danger of exploding this week. Waayyy too much stuff going on. I accepted a short term, multi day sub job which has definitely made my life busier. I am glad I get to help my friend, Kathy, out by being in her music room all of this week, part of next, and then for a few more days after Christmas break but it means a new schedule and less time to get the normal schedule done. (As indicated by the gigantic pile of laundry, crumbs on my counters, papers and mail that is everywhere, and the dirty dirty floors and bathrooms. 2-3 days a week is plenty of work for me in terms of subbing so doing a full week is more than what I usually will do.)

Add to that two church events on Wednesday and Thursday night which meant no extra time after supper and a trip to Norfolk this weekend to celebrate Christmas with D's family and the little time we did have is reduced yet again. So glad we get to do those things so don't interpret that as a complaint; it's just there's a lot going on right now.

In addition, there is a ton of mental busyness right now too. D is finishing up a grad class. We're still trying to sort out the finances and plans for a house. We've started the paperwork for another adoption. Our tax return is being audited and requires additional follow up. The Christmas shopping is not quite done and I have a few more food items that I need to make for different events. I have several Etsy orders that I need to finish before the holidays and then will have several new ones to start on once Christmas is over.

We've been living in the land of loose ends for awhile now and the hectic pace of the last few weeks have definitely made those loose ends seem even looser. Really looking forward to the weekend, then two days of work, and then a bit of a reprieve.

Celebrate Adoption-Waiting Children HCH

2011-12-10T07:42:00.001-06:00

I know it's no longer November. But I ran out of month and still have some waiting kids that I wanted to post. (Not that the month really matters...) Conleigh's orphanage, Haiti Children's Home, has 20 waiting kids right now. 3 special needs girls (Shanaika and Jenny who have neurological issues, possibly shaken baby type disorders, and Kettalaine who I would guess to be severely mentally handicapped with a low IQ) and a whole passel of boys (17! Many of those little boys came in at the same time as Conleigh and are still waiting for families. That just makes me terribly sad. I don't know why but people often want girls, not boys.) Anyway, here's some snapshots of some of those faces. Please pass it on and share.

Carlos

Golson

James who has been waiting for a very long time

More of James

Who doesn't need a little guy to get all dressed up in a tie? This is Jamesky.

Jenny

Levi

Parenting Dilemma #432

2011-12-08T12:40:00.001-06:00

What to do with a child who puts things in your drink when you are not looking?

Seriously...3rd time in like 2 weeks where I have left a drink on the table unattended, returned to take a drink, took a swig and found "something" in my drink. Today it was pizza flavored hamburger from our calzones. (Which does not go well with Diet Mountain Dew.) The other day it was wheat from a candleholder. Time #3-I'm sorry to admit that I don't know what it was. But there was definitely something in there.

I'm pretty sure I know which child is responsible. But I have yet to catch her....

And the stockings were hung...

2011-12-02T15:20:00.001-06:00

Not my actual stockings. Those bloggy people, who have a lovely post and lovely pictures that they have taken of the actual item being discussed, amaze me. That requires a lot of planning...and a better camera than what I can muster up.

We drug the Christmas things out from the basement this week, much to the delight of the children. (I love that the morning after we put the tree up Kenson came down the stairs and was slightly surprised and utterly thrilled that the tree was STILL up.)

Then, when I picked the kids up from school today, I overheard them discussion their plans for afternoon play.

"Wanna play Santa after we rest?"

"Yeah. Ho, ho, ho!"

And sure enough, after lunch, rest time, and snack, they were ready to play. Conleigh won the role of Santa and Kenson played the child. He was sequestered upstairs while Conleigh carefully selected items to place in the stockings. Then, after many minutes of my itty bitty chocolate girl ho-ho-hoing to herself and much yelling...

"Are you done?"

"Not yet."

"Can I come down?"

"Not yet."

...it was finally time. And they both proceeded to joyfully reach into their stockings and pull out the gifts Santa had left, all items from our toy room.

Let's just hope the Santa who visits on Christmas Eve is a better gift giver than the one who was here today. I'm guessing an empty egg carton, a lidless dried onion container, and an assortment of fabric fruits are not what my children are wishing for.

Non traditional gift giving-Products from Adoption Fundraisers

2011-11-27T09:40:00.001-06:00

$99 flat screen tvs and $199 Nook Colors. Cheap DVDs and cheap toys. Black Friday is always full of deals. That said, I often find myself torn on Black Friday. I love a good deal and believe God want me to be frugal and thrifty. But I almost always walk away a little sad about what a consumer nation we are. It is hard not get get caught up in all the bargains of the day. But also hard to know that as we spend, there are others who are getting by on very little. I guess that saying "Live simply so others can simply live." often comes back to me. (It doesn't mean I don't buy things on Black Friday, just that I try not to get sucked into buying stuff I don't need just because it's a good deal.)

And every year at this time, as we start thinking about gifts to give, I find myself challenge to give gifts that bless not just the person who receives the gift. There are many ways to do so. Last year, I highlighted fair trade type projects, things that are were a part of small organizations and were a way for people in developing countries to sustain themselves. This year, I plan to do the same. But first, I thought I'd highlight another way to give: by supporting adoption fundraisers. I know people have mixed feelings about adoption fundraising. (I've actually already written a post on adoption fundraising and the various reactions it garners. If you're not sure how you feel about adoption fundraising or if you just don't like the idea, I'd encourage you to read it.) Regardless of your feelings on adoption fundraising, I think it is fair to say Walmart, Target, and K-Mart all get way too much of our money. So why not consider purchasing a product from someone who made it themselves or who is tied into a corporation that is not quite as large as a major box store? Instead of Bath and Body Works, what about handmade goat milk soap? Or instead of a skirt from Penney's or Kohls, what about a skirt from someone's etsy shop? And the best part? Those gifts are a part of someone's adoption story, a story of God's provision in the life of a family and a child.

Here's a list to get you started:

The Boyd family, adopting a little boy from Uganda
Tee shirts (Jesus Loves the Little Children theme)
http://www.boydwebsites.com/Boyd_Websites/Fundraising.html

The Chambers family, adopting a boy from China
Tee shirts (Chinese characters plus an assortment of other graphics including adoption and Scripture references)
http://www.adoptionbug.com/fromchinatochambers/

The Waughtal family, adopting two girls from China
Tee shirts (Chinese character plus an assortment of family related graphics)
http://www.adoptionbug.com/waitingforroseandlili/

Lilli's family, raising money for a service dog for their deaf daughter, also adopting another deaf daughter from China
IPAD and quilt raffles
http://bringinghomeyun.blogspot.com/2011/11/ipad-quilt-holiday-giveway.html
also selling coffee

https://justlovecoffee.com/lorrainedubbs

also gain money by referring families to Circle Pi, a company specializing in creating keepsake videos

http://www.circlepi.com/customvideocreation.html (list Dubbs family as the referral source)

The Walker family, adopting from China
Goat milk soap
http://ourredthread.com/fundraising/goat-soap-fundraiser/

The Ryland family, adopting a teenager from China
Selling an assortment of treaures: fine China dishes, collectible Barbies, handmade bracelets and watch sets
http://www.rylandsfamily.blogspot.com/

The Ballou family, adopting from China
Fine art including oil paintings and drawings
http://www.etsy.com/people/eikonktizo

Contribute to the grant money available to the family who decides to adopt Olga, a 4 year old orphan in Russa with CP in great danger of being transferred to a mental institution unless a family adopts her
A 31 Fundraiser (personalized bags and more)
http://acupquitefull.blogspot.com/2011/11/thirty-one-fundraiser-for-olga.html

Aliyah's family, adopting from China
Doll dresses and skirts, also some are available as matching sets for your little girl and her doll
http://bringinghomeourmiracle.blogspot.com/2011/11/black-friday-sale.html

The Spence family, adopting from China
Handmade hats, hair accessories, bags, and clothing
http://www.etsy.com/shop/mustardseedcreations

Feel free to leave information in the comments if you or someone you know is doing a fundraiser with a product to purchase. I'll happily add it to the list.

Fill in the Blank Part 2

2011-11-23T20:11:00.000-06:00

And because I know you all are just dying to know...no, Conleigh was not talking about private parts.

Conleigh's disapproval at Kenson's decision to play cowgirl went like this:

"Kenson, you can't be a cowgirl. You don't have a head of a girl."

Giggle...her phrasing just made me laugh.

A Fill in the Blank

2011-11-23T11:58:00.000-06:00

So this morning, the kids were playing dress up. You know the kind where they look for any item not nailed down and add it to their ensemble? Like 5 cocktail rings featuring a plastic pink solitaire. Or not one but three fluffy tutus layered over their pants.

Kenson decided he was going to be a cowgirl but Conleigh disagreed. In her own words "Kenson, you can't be a cowgirl. You don't have a _______________."

Now here's the fun part...let me know what you think she said. I'll fill in the blank with her actual words later.

What's Cooking for Thanksgiving

2011-11-22T19:22:00.000-06:00

Just in case you need some last minute inspiration, I thought I'd share what I'm making for Thanksgiving. We actually had an early Thanksgiving last weekend with my hubby's family. Then we'll be on to my side's for the actual day. (My cousin and his family are back from a yearish long stint in India.)

Last weekend, I made Pumpkin Dump Cake and Sugar Cookie Bars. The Pumpkin Dump Cake is a wonderfully easy version of upside down pumpkin pie, a pumpkin pie layer topped with a crunchy streusel type crust. The Sugar Cookie Bars I have already posted on. D requested those and by adding some fall sprinkles, they were perfect for Thanksgiving. For this week's celebration, I'm making Three Fruit Relish. It combines tart apples, raspberries, and cranberries with a hint of orange for a sweet and sour, cold salad. I'm also going to make a dessert snack tray with caramels and fudge. I decided to try a new Microwave Caramel recipe. Um, yummy! And easy! No worrying about scorching the caramels or overcooking and ending up with hard as a rock candy. I honestly think I will be using this recipe a lot. The recipe, as listed, is a bit bland but I personally thought it was much better when I added in vanilla and some sea salt. I also topped it off with sea salt so it was kind of a take on salted caramels. I'm also trying a new recipe for the fudge. Pumpkin Fudge sounded like a grand way to use up my leftover pumpkin puree from the dump cake I made earlier. It is kind of eggnog meets pumpkin pie meets white chocolate fudge. And because two new recipes weren't enough, I also opted for another candy with fall flair: Maple Peanut Fudge. In all fairness, I'm not really sure I'd classify it as a fudge, more of a candy mixed with a fudge. I added maple flavoring and then drizzled chocolate over mine. It has the consistency and texture of a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup but with subtle maple flavor.

Best part of all my efforts? I have extra so I can use the three candies during the Christmas season either as gifts or as goodies to share.

Orphan Care and HIV/AIDS

2011-11-21T20:10:00.000-06:00

Thinks of some cause and effect relationships that you know. If you're parenting a little one, you might have thought of something like "touch a hot stove, get burned" or "stick a toy in an outlet, get shocked." If you're on a diet, you might have thought "eat a cookie, gain a pound." Or if you've just came home from work, your thoughts might drift towards "be late, get yelled out" or "try to use the copy machine, get confused."

I'm guessing most of you did not think "get HIV/AIDS, leave your children as orphans." The reality is that HIV and AIDS are contributing factors when it comes to why children become orphans. When fathers die, families fail. When mothers die, families fail. When aunts, uncles, sisters and brothers die, families fail. It's not even that every person in a child's family dies. It's that when an important link in the support system is not there, the family cannot sustain itself. If a father dies, there is no income. If a mother dies, there is no caretaker. If siblings die or extended family die, there is no community to fall back on.

Most people are unaware of how manageable HIV is. It is not a death sentence. We are not in the 80's. Take 5 minutes and watch this video from Project Hopeful. I was amazed when I watched it and had to know more.

Visit Project Hopeful to learn more about HIV/AIDS, to find children who are waiting children living with HIV, or to learn how to support their Hope Sisterhood project which enables HIV positive women to support their families through education and empowerment to work.

B-A-J-R-S

2011-11-17T21:55:00.000-06:00

Kenson made his first stab at invented spelling today. (You know, where they guess what letters make the sounds, and yes, it really is called that in teacherese.) You'll never guess on what word? Beatrice. As in the town. B-A-J-R-S. Beatrice. He had B-A already on the fridge with the magnets when I walked in. I heard him saying the sounds to himself "Beeeee Aaaaaaa Chhhhhh." The "Ch" stumped him. (Those silly digraphs...they trick kids all the time!) He settled on "J". Then I helped him by saying the last sounds but he picked the letters out. Too funny, I mean, usually kids just spell cat.

Waiting Child Challenge-China's Waiting Child Program

2011-11-15T17:07:00.000-06:00

Take 5 minutes and repost this info. Maybe you will help a waiting child find a home.

I've learned a lot about Chinese adoption in the last few weeks, specifically in regards to waiting special needs children. Some things I've learned:

The timeline is crazy fast. 12 months or less, and if you wait to accept a referral on a child until later in the process, the child can end up being under a year old when they travel home. I don't know how often that happens but it is feasible. It is also very feasible to come home with a child under two.

It is not crazy expensive in terms of adoption (I would say 23, 000 on average. Remember that an average US domestic newborn adoption averages 20, 000).

The process is stable and does not contain a lot of variation as to what will happen and when it will happen.

The information available to adoptive parents regarding the health of the child is actually pretty good. (Comparatively, we are still talking about international adoption and trying to understand a child's health needs without actually examining them. You also have a government trying to share information which means things could be misdiagnosed or the information could be outdated.) Compared to the information we received with our Haitian adoptions, it's like a book.

There are lots and lots and lots of waiting kids in China. The system for locating a waiting child is very spelled out and well organized. The Chinese government controls every facet of adoptions and so there are several different lists that kids end up being on, all fairly well publicized if you know where to look. There is also a crazy good advocate system in place in the US, created by an assortment of people who want to see those waiting kids find homes. If you want more information on the different sites, let me know. I literally know of at least ten websites dedicated to waiting kids, many of which provide you with great information about specific children through.

Curious about what types of kids are waiting? C'mon, you know you are. Head over to Sharing Life and Love to view a few photos including 5 year odl Wen Wen.

Favorite Faithful Living Quotes...

2011-11-14T08:48:00.000-06:00

"We aren’t really called to save the world, not even to save one person; Jesus has already done that. We are called to love with abandon." Katie Davis

"I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody (to no one)." Mother Teresa

"We can worship Christ in our sanctuaries and we can pray to God on our knees, but how we treat — or neglect – the person next door, the poor, every human being, this is how we truly speak to Christ and this is how we really treat Jesus." Ann Voskamp

"God in His Sovereignty decided you could be born and allowed you to live in a place that has almost everything anyone could ever desire, so there is no guilt that He has ordered your life this way. The only guilt we bear is the guilt of ignoring the men, women, and children of this world who do not have what we have-the guilt of spending the majority of our time, money, and resources exclusively on ourselves and our families." Kay Warren

Thoughts from a Public Bathroom

2011-11-11T20:26:00.000-06:00

Those of you with little ones who require your presence while using a public restroom know that the act of using said public restroom is always about one really loud comment away from embarrassment. Whether it's a comment related to the size of Mama's hiney, questions about which bathroom function you are performing, exclamations about the smells in the bathroom or an inquiry about the funny noises that are coming from the stranger using the stall next door, you often are left wondering why on earth public restroom bathrooms are not equipped with some form of sound absorption so at the very least, whatever is said does not echo around the entire restroom for all to hear.

Today though was a first. There were no words about body functions or body parts. Instead it was my little boy uttering multiple times "I'm Satan." I.Have.No.Idea. So don't ask me why. (I'm going to go with the fact that he was sort of hissing prior to the remarks and was perhaps pretending to be a snake in the Garden of Eden. Yes, let's just go with that.)

Celebrate Adoption-Waiting Child Tabby

2011-11-11T17:10:00.000-06:00

Tabby has been on the Nebraska Heart Gallery page for quite a while now. I love how she seems to have a spirit that wants to be positive and helpful to others. So many teens wait for families because, let's face it, adopting a teen is scary. But it is doable. Hard but doable. I often think of the soccer boys who end up in our house, watching soccer games or eating meals, and recognize that in a lot of ways, those waiting teens are a lot like D's soccer boys. Just makes me sad.

Celebrate Adoption-Prudence and Practicality vs. Faith and Fearlessness

2011-11-09T08:15:00.000-06:00

People often assume that D and I adopted our children because we could not have biological children. While it is true that we have yet to experience pregnancy, what is also true is that we did not set out to adopt because of that. We discussed adoption long before we married. When we were ready to start actively taking steps to begin a family, we started looking at adoption. Like many people, we came to adoption because we wanted to have children. But we also came because of a deep desire to do the right thing for children without families. For me, I had personally seen children in Romanian orphanages and I could not know what I knew and just walk away.

It's not that our adoptions are more noble than anyone else's. Our adoptions were simply about obedience to God, believing that God placed in our hearts a desire for children, that God gave us certain gifts and talents that made us a family who could parent kids with some hurts, that we knew that God desired us to love the "least of these".

If you know our story, you know that when I left Romania, I swore I would never be a part of the international adoption system. I saw how the Romanian government did little to prevent the orphan crisis there and how the Romanian government ran orphanages that were truly institutions. I saw how it seemed that any money associated with international adoption never made it to the children who were in the orphanages. I just didn't want to be a part of it.

So we decided we'd do a domestic infant adoption through local, reduced cost agency. Until our little dream was crushed by the news that because we did not have diagnosed infertility, the agency would not work with us. We looked at a few other options for domestic adoption, then stopped.

A few months later, we were contacted by our state about doing foster care training specifically with the intent of adopting out of foster care. After completely the training, inquiring about lots of children, and spending about 18 months with no real leads, we were certain we had come to a dead end. We opened ourselves up to not just more permanent situations but also foster care and had an emergency placement which taught us a lot about ourselves and what fit our family. Straight foster care was not it.

So we stopped yet again.

And went to Peru.

And came back feeling like maybe it wasn't the time to have a family but maybe it was the time to travel. So we started praying about going to Haiti on a mission trip. And from there, it quickly changed into adoption. The thing I swore I'd never do because a reality and my life is blessed beyond measure because of it.

Through all of that (and now) it was always a struggle to balance prudence with faith, practicality with fearless living. I want to be sold out for Jesus. I want to say that no cost is too high when it comes to obeying Him. I want to love freely, to love deeply, to love passionately with no regrets.

But then the reality sets in. There are bills to pay. There are emotional consequences to our actions. There are relational consequences to our actions. Things seem to hard, too long, too expensive, too risky, too out there.

Our rational brains go to war with the convictions of our hearts. Maybe that right there is the crux of faithful living? That a life lived in faithful obedience is a life full of wrestling, full of more questions than answers. It's a life full of disequilibrium, a life spent balancing on top of a ball, knowing that at any moment you could slide right off into the land of "too safe" or into the land of "reckless pursuit without regard to godly wisdom." (And even as I write this, I can't help but think that perhaps the "land of reckless pursuit" is maybe where we're all supposed to be.)

When you consider adoption or orphan care, it requires you to stand on that ball, balancing prudence and practicality with faith and fearlessness. Our decision to adopt from Haiti took a lot of wrestling. And where we are now, considering another adoption, has probably required even more wrestling.

How do you get past the mental games where you talk yourself in and out and in and out of getting involved? I struggle with decision making, especially when it comes to big decisions. I'm a recovering perfectionist so when a decision needs to be made, I long to make the perfect one even though I know there isn't a perfect solution. I understand how hard it is to make a decision that is outside of the box. It's incredibly hard to make a decision that literally means "I've counted the cost to follow Jesus and I'm willing to lay it down." It--as in my relationships with my family, my friends, my finances, my nice comfortable life with 2.4 all American kids....I will lay it down. There is no 12 step plan or a how to book on that. And it's scary to start thinking about what are often considered radical choices. To wonder where the line is between practical prudence and fearless faith. But start thinking. Get on the ball and start balancing. Start counting the cost.

Livesay family on counting the cost
http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/2011/11/cost.html

Celebrate Adoption-Orphan Care in 30-60 minutes

2011-11-07T15:07:00.001-06:00

Earlier I posted a list of easy, 5 minute things one can do to be a part of orphan care. What about not giving a bit more of your time? What about supporting orphan care by supporting families you know who are ministering to kids through adoption or foster care?

Most people are eager to support families when new babies arrive. When new, older more independent children arrive, I think friends and family believe that those children are not infants who have nighttime feedings and are very dependent upon the new family. That leads to the assumption that the adoptive family doesn't need support like a family with a newborn might. What most people don't know is that those older children need to have some infant moments with their new families, even if the children are 4 or 10 or 12. That doesn't account for the stress that comes from a sudden change in family dynamics.

We have had two relatively easy adoptive placements. That said, I had one who did not sleep well for about 8 months. For a good 4 months, she was up every 4 hours or so. It was like having a baby. But no one really knew that except for a handful of friends. With many adoptions, you also spend every waking moment smothered by your new arrival. They need you at every moment of the day as they navigate all sorts of new things and feelings. They miss their old life. They miss their friends. They are scared of indoor plumbing. They are scared of dogs and cats. I've had a foster child who cried herself to sleep every night of her short stay with us because she missed her mom. I've had a child who was 2 1/2 but was not adept at stairs or even walking outside on an uneven sidewalk. You need to be their safe spot and be available. It's what causes them to trust and love you. But it is hard to do the things you once did and can be socially isolating.

One Thankful Mom recently posted six ways to support adoptive/foster families, all of which are 30-60 minute tasks. It's just a wonderful little list so I'm just reposting it in it's entirety. Consider who you know and how you can send the message that you will care for their family as they love and serve each other. It may not seem like it's really supporting orphan care but the implications come across loud and clear: it says we see adoption and foster care as important and we will support you so you can use your gifts and talents to parent kids who need permanency.

Last week’s Tuesday Topic amazed me. Your responses were so thoughtful and good – I wish we would have all been sitting in my family room, sipping coffee together having the discussion. I suspect we would have laughed — and cried. Next to Notes on Hope, it may be my favorite Tuesday Topic we’ve done together.

This was the question,

What would have helped you the most in the early weeks and months of adding a child to your family through adoption or foster care? If somebody had asked you, “What can I do to help?” and you were able to answer anything at all with no shame, guilt, or concern about whether they really would want to do it, what would it have been?

This is what you answered:

Bring Food

Many of you stated that having meals delivered allowed more time to focus on all of your children, but also gave you some contact with “the outside world.” It does not have to be dinner, as somebody said, even bringing cut-up fruit would help. Someone else mentioned having dinner brought by friends who then shared the meal and spent the evening with them. One person wrote that when they adopted a baby, friends brought meals, but when they adopted an older child people assumed it wasn’t as demanding and didn’t bring meals. I think we can safely say that every adopting/foster family will be blessed by meals. We don’t need to make this complicated – simple food is a blessing. I remember a friend bringing us “Breakfast in a Bag,” a gift bag filled with yogurts, juice boxes, muffins and other little treats. Gift cards for take-out were also mentioned – a great idea. After one of our babies was born, a friend brought us Kentucky Fried Chicken and another ordered pizza to be delivered – what a treat that was! Cookie dough ready to be baked, homemade soup or spaghetti sauce, a frozen lasagna, will all be welcomed.

Provide Household Help

Several of you wrote that you needed help with laundry and cleaning. I know we all have a hard time letting people see our mess, but I for one, find it very hard to relax if my house is too messy and chaotic. A friend grabbing the vacuum or folding laundry while we visited was a big help. I had a friend once pick up all of our kids’ dirty laundry, take it home, and return it clean, dry and folded. A group of friends might want to go together to hire regular cleaning help for the first few months after new children join a family, or create a cleaning team themselves.

Along those lines, a number of years ago I was very sick and needed treatments that were an all day event. One day a friend came to my house while I was at the clinic, put new, clean flannel sheets on my bed, washed my other set, and cleaned my house with my older children. I came home and crawled into a clean bed with new sheets and it was pretty much one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. That was nearly nine years ago and I’ve never forgotten it. Friend, if you read this, thank you once again.

Run Errands

Picking things up at the store, or driving children to sports practices and appointments was also mentioned as a great help. If you are already out and about, or if you can add a child or two to the crowd in your car, you will make a big difference for a family adjusting to life with new children. The first year my girls were in school, a friend drove them home every day which not only simplified my life, but relieved my mind. As our little ones grow older, we forget how difficult it is to buckle multiple kids into car seats in order to pick up one child from an event. Waking kids from naps to take an older child to a practice is even worse. This is a great kindness if you are somebody who is already in the car and happy to run a quick errand for a friend with a new child.

Provide Babysitting or Respite

Many of you said that babysitting would have helped, even if it was just somebody being with the kids while you took a nap. Some said they needed help with their other kids while they took new children to multiple appointments. Others said they needed care for their new children while they gave some attention to their original crew. Of course, it all depends upon the unique needs for the family, but this seems to be a need for most families. Weekends are particularly difficult for Dimples, the lack of structure that she enjoys at school just doesn’t transfer to a long Saturday stretching before her. We try to fill her days, but one of the greatest gifts we receive are friends who invite her over for a few hours, or even all day. This Saturday when I’m in Denver, she has big plans with our youth pastor and his wife and she is already looking forward to it.

Respite is a great need for families whose new children have significant challenges. A family can quickly become exhausted when there is constant raging, arguing, and destructive behavior. A friend who understands children from “hard places” and is willing to give the family a 24 hour break, or even a four hour break, will have an impact far beyond what they may imagine.

Show Kindness to the Original Crew

I’m in the process of (slowly) writing an article for Empowered to Connect on “giving voice” to the siblings of children from “hard places.” Our original children struggled with our inability to give them attention and time when we added three new children to our family and one year later added another. They lost us for a number of months as we struggled to figure out how to live this new life.

My friend, Beth, welcomed Ladybug into her family and home, and nearly completely homeschooled her for a year after Dimples came home. Rusty and Ladybug joined the youth group of a local church and we were thankful for the encouragement and positive adult interaction they received. It was so meaningful, that we eventually made that our church our new church home.

Friends who will take the kids and do something fun is also a huge blessing when life at home seems to be a load of work or simply tumultuous. If a family has new children who are raging or crying for hours, the kids may need relief from the stress too. My friend, Sue, began taking Ladybug and Sunshine to the library once a week, which they still look forward to each Friday.

It is very easy to forget how hard this adjustment phase can be for the other children. Reaching out to them, or giving the parents a break from the new kids, so they can enjoy the other children, is a real blessing.

Be Present

I have to admit, I was struck by the prevailing theme of loneliness and isolation in the comments. I hope you will read them yourself, because I can’t express the thoughts as well as the original authors did. Over and over readers expressed that once the initial excitement died down, they felt lonely. The needs of their children may have prevented them from getting out and about; they were stuck at home, alone, living a new life with new children. It is hard to imagine how very isolating this can be.

Several people said they wished friends would just stop by for coffee, even if the house was messy. Others used the words grief and loss to describe how they felt. Some of you said you needed somebody to just listen and not judge or try to cheer you up as you coped with the changes in their lives. Encouragement is needed. If you live a distance away, a phone call, email, or encouraging text may be what a mom needs. Knowing you have not forgotten her, that you are praying may help her through the next hour.

It has been four and a half years since we brought our first adopted children home and for a long time our life needed to become very contained and small. We simply could not go out much; even going to my bookgroup once a month became impossible. I hope you’ll be encouraged to know that this month I am going to my bookgroup once again — and I even read the book.

If you missed this post, be sure to go back and read the great responses from everyone. Please take a moment to add your thoughts – it is not too late.

Thank you for being a great community and sharing my life.

Encourage one another.

Full of Thanks...and Nose Hair

2011-11-06T19:27:00.000-06:00

Lots of people have been relaying what things they are thankful for during this countdown to Thanksgiving. Here's mine for the day:

Today, after church, D asked the kids who taught the Kids Club portion of Sunday school. Conleigh replied that it was Mashayla's grandma but that she didn't know what her name was. I told her it was Denise. Then Conleigh told me that she didn't know the name of Mashayla's grandpa either. I told her it was Rolly. Then Conleigh told me how Mashayla's grandpa had a beard and a mustache. And hair in his nose.

I think I'm thankful that just the four of us were present to hear that gem.

Celebrate Adoption-Waiting Child Victoria

2011-11-05T09:19:00.001-05:00

Victoria

Victoria is an HIV positive child, born in 2003. An adoption facilitator from the Ukraine shared this information with the folks at Positively Orphaned.

A couple of months ago I e-mailed a picture of one girl, she is HIV positive. Her name is Victoria, date of birth 2003. I am e-mailing this picture again. This child is placed currently at the specialized House for Babies with special needs. Next September she will be moved to the other orphanage as a child older then 9. Today I talked to her doctor and she is really concerned about the girl. Here is her story.

Victoria was born in 2003 to an HIV positive birthmother. At birth she was diagnosed as HIV positive of IV clinical stage. She has been taking anti HIV virus therapy since birth. At the moment she has zero HIV viral load. Until the age of seven, Victoria lived with the mother and thus she has all skills of everyday life as any home child does.

At the age of seven after the mother’s death, Victoria was placed at the specialized orphanage for children of special needs. No one among close persons of the mother’s community or any one of the relatives expressed the desire to adopt her or take her into their custody.

That was obviously a hard time for Victoria. The period of adjusting to the orphanage conditions took a long time. Currently she feels comfortable at the orphanage, psychologically steady and has made a lot of friends among the children of the orphanage and school.

She is attending second grade classes. Her teachers characterize her as a very diligent, attentive, hard working, and very creative girl. From what the caregivers have said, she is a child with a big heart, caring and affectionate. Victoria is very tactful and polite with the teachers and caregivers and friendly with the children. She likes playing outside, watching TV, and doing handicrafts. She can spend hours embroidering or painting. This girl is very homey. She really needs a family.

Moving to the other orphanage would be a great stress for her and no doubt it is a risk for her health condition. She really needs a family. She is available to be adopted internationally.

I hope she will find her family and in my turn I promise to do my best to serve and to promote this adoption as quick as it possible.

For me as an adoptive mom, there are a couple of things that strike me about this post. First, she is a child who is struggling to adjust to orphanage life. My Conleigh was this girl. She lived in a private foster care placement in Haiti for many months before coming to live in the orphanage full time. (It was actually through this foster care connection that we found her but that's another story. For those people who say that random postings online cannot find children forever families, it was a random posting online that led us to Conleigh. A family in Haiti was caring for her in a private foster care setting and was advocating for her online. I have never met the people nor did I know anyone who was connected to them. It was a chance posting where I read the post and now that little girl is in our house.) Like Victoria, it was hard for Conleigh to get used to all the noise, all the kids, all the chaos that orphanage life means. The other part that strikes me is the report that she has life skills and was relinquished to orphanage care through the death of her mother. While I personally know nothing of the situation, this sounds like signs that she was positively attached to her mother and children who were previously attached to a parent are much more likely to not have major attachment issues as they are able to transfer that attachment rather than learn how to attach and love. That doesn't mean older child adoption is easy because it's not. But that comment sounded very positive to me.

Celebrate Adoption-Waiting Child Alice, huge grant!

2011-11-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

Following up my previous post on orphan care in 5 minutes, here's my first reposting of a waiting child. Take the challenge and repost or link up to her Reece's Rainbow page.

Alice

This lovely girl was born 6/2006 at 38 weeks gestation. She is an independent, active, and can move around on her own. She feeds herself easily. She likes to play with toys. She’s had surgery for her heart condition. Surgery for congenital cardiac defect 02/09/07 (ligation of patent ductus arteriosus, suturing open oval window).

Alice is already 5 years old and facing the institution. Alice has Down's Syndrome. There are approximately $12, 000 worth of grants waiting to help her family offset the adoption costs.

Celebrate Adoption-Orphan Care in 5

2011-11-04T08:10:00.000-05:00

Somehow, November has been designated celebrate adoption month. November 6th is Orphan Care Sunday with much focus given on adoption. While my inner cynic says, "really do we need a month or a day? Even a hot dog gets its own National Hot Dog Day and adoption and orphan care should not be on equal ground with processed pig part.", I do recognize how the designation provides focus and helps to organize orphan care initiatives.

That said, I also see how all too often people hear the stats and see the pictures regarding orphan care and walk away feeling guilty or sad but then don't take action. I don't really know why because it is exactly those things (pictures of kids in a Romanian orphanage viewed during my last year of high school church camp) that brought me to the place I am, a mom of two Haitian kids. But I digress.

The reality is that it is easy to do something.

A lot easier than a lot of us think.

You do not have to choose to adopt. (Even though I will probably go to my grave saying more people ought to.)

The reality is that orphan care can occur in 5 minutes.

Let me give you some 5 minute ideas.

*take 5 minutes from your lunchtime to pray about orphan care. Or better yet, bookmark a waiting child site like Reece's Rainbow, Rainbow Kids, or AdoptUSKids . Then visit there, taking 5 minute to pray for a waiting child by name.
*take 5 minutes during your bill paying to write a check to a ministry directly involved in adoption, orphan care, or orphan prevention (Angel Tree Ministries, a branch of Prison Fellowship, works in the US with the children of incarcerated men and women with the goal being to prevent their families from failing. Reece's Rainbow works to provides grants to families who choose to adopt special needs kids. Heartline Ministries and their Harbor House project encourage Haitian moms to parent rather than place a child for adoption. Or make a donation to your local homeless shelter/women's shelter. Most of those place are serving families who are on the brink of falling apart.)
*take 5 minutes to encourage a family you know who is involved in foster care or adoption. Write them a note. Pray for them by name. Send them a gift that shows you appreciate the way they are using their family as a way to love.
*take 5 minutes and repost my posts. Throughout the month of November, I'm going to share the faces and stories of some children who are waiting for forever. Would you take the time to pass those faces and stories on? By reposting on your blog or on Facebook, you may just be connecting that child to a family who is willing to make a commitment to that child. Ask your friends to repost as well. Wouldn't it be amazing if you were a part of the link that found a home for that child?
*take 5 minutes to have a conversation with someone about orphan care, even if it's a conversation that you know will be difficult. (My first choice would be God but you pick whomever you'd like.) Maybe it's your spouse. Maybe it's your sister. Maybe it's your kids. Share how you know that there are kids who are struggling because their moms and dads aren't around or are unable to provide for their basic needs. Share that you are wanting to help. Take a chance and see what the other person says. Maybe that simple conversation will start a more serious one.

The Dentist, His Gloves, and the Children Who Love Them

2011-11-03T17:46:00.000-05:00

Today was dentist day here. Kenson has been once before but Conleigh has never been. She went last year and watched which given her warrior type personality when it comes to blood, injuries, and medical professionals, we thought that was best. (Warrior=fight like the devil. If there is ever a war, I think I want her on my side.)

No tears, no cavities, let's call it a good day, right?

But a trip to the dentist means goodies like a free ice cream coupon, new pink toothpaste, and new toothbrushes. And the treasure of all treasures: a blue latex glove.

They played dentist and doctor with those silly gloves once we got home. It always makes you chuckle to hear your kids playing together while using the words "Now don't bite my finger!"

Look closely and you can see the illustrious blue glove!

But perhaps the funniest part was when Conleigh came into the kitchen, wearing her glove on her foot, proclaiming "I'm an orangutan!" (In case you're wondering, just remember that monkeys and the like have hands on their feet, something that is fascinating when you are 4.) And then she tried to climb my refrigerator by pulling herself up on the door handles...

Happy Halloweeen

2011-10-31T20:42:00.001-05:00

From the butterfly and the elephant

24 Hours as a Mom

2011-10-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

You might be a mom if sometime within the last 24 hours...

You find a McDonald's Happy Meal Barbie in the crisper bin of the refrigerator.

You have to give the reminder that a stuffed lamb's hygiene does not warrant brushing teeth with real toothpaste or applying body lotion.

You overhear at lunch, "My feet are tired of eating." "Your feet are tired of eating?" "Yes, because the food is going all the way down there."

You may or may not have forgotten to start the dishwasher because you were interrupted by 1. a girl who is eating cooked broccoli and alfredo noodles with her fingers 2. a boy who is in the bathroom doing number 2 but feels compelled to use this down time as an opportunity to share about his school day.

You wake up to a little body snuggling in next to you saying, "I just want to sleep like this for a little bit."

At least we're not picky....

2011-10-25T15:50:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I tried to convince my two to go outside and play. The October sky was clear, the sun warm, and the day seemed to be perfect for playing in the leaves, on the swing, or in the sandbox. When I suggested that it was indeed beautiful out, I was met with disgust from Conleigh. "No it's not. It's not beautiful out!" she insisted. "There aren't any rainbows!"

A Different Side of Orphan Care

2011-10-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

After my trip to a couple of Romanian orphanages in 1997, my heart was singed by God. I walked away forever changed. The documentaries that were coming out of Eastern Europe regarding orphanages were true. Babies in row after row of metal cribs with industrial fencing on the ends and edges to help keep the babies in. Handicapped children who spent almost every hour of their lives untouched, forever scarred by the lack of human contact. Gypsy babies with liquid eyes and wispy brown hair who most orphanage workers considered "dirty" and then questioned how anyone could kiss or hold them. A poor country crushed by the pervasiveness of Communism, so pervasive that the government literally said it was a woman's duty to have as many children as she could, despite her inability to feed those children.

While I can't say that orphan care is always at the front of my mind, it is there often. I used to be incredibly frustrated by the way most Americans were oblivious to what was going on with children in the rest of the world. And then for some reason, orphan care became a trendy topic in churches around the U.S.. More and more people are aware of the way most women and children live. However, it sometimes seems like the awareness stops short of being a true agent for change. The focus narrows and often comes to rest on things like Samaritan's Purse Operation Shoebox or adoption.

I'm thankful people give and I'm thankful people adopt. But unfortunately, those type of programs are not change mechanisms.

If you created a flow chart of sorts that portrayed families in crisis, the path to becoming an orphan, and the causation behind it, you would not find that the lack of an Operation Shoebox gift prevented the child from becoming an orphan.

And yes, it is true that adoption, prevents children from spending their lives alone as orphans. But adoption or not, that child is still an orphan in his first life. My kids, no matter how harsh it sounds, are orphans. Have they been redeemed to some degree? Yes, but their hearts and lives have been irrevocably changed. Had we not been waiting, they may have stayed in orphanage care all of their lives. But the real issue is not that they might have stayed in orphanage care. The real issue is that they were even in orphanage care. Even if a million families signed on to adopt, the reality is those million waiting families do not impact the process of how children become orphans.

Orphan care initiatives must do more than address the care of an orphan. Instead, we as a church, as a community of people, must change our thinking and expand our label. We need to be focused on orphan care and prevention.

Orphan care without prevention reminds me of an ER room. Pretend for a moment that in that ER, you watch as patient after patient comes in with severed fingers, each one relaying to you how they had borrowed Joe's circular saw to do a home improvement project and that saw was missing it's safety guard. How foolish would we be to bandage their wounds yet ignore the bigger issue of the saw? Or what if a large number of people came in complaining of stomach pains, all of whom were uniquely tied to a family reunion and Aunt Maud's potato salad? Unless the potato salad is removed from the buffet line, people will continue to suffer. Of course, we can give them medicine and restore their health but wouldn't it be better to avoid the sickness? Orphan care without prevention is like watching hurting people, attempting to repair what you can, and then doing nothing about the reason for the hurt.

While there are many reasons for why families fail and are unable to care for their children, a major one involves the health of the women within the families. Women are historically the providers of care within a family. When the women are unable to care for the children due to death or sickness, it places a heavy burden on the men. All sorts of things play into this from AIDS/HIV to malnutrition, but one of the leading causes of death in women in the developing world is child birth. The Livesay family serving in Haiti in a ministry that is tied to women's health recently reposted these statistics.

Worldwide the leading cause of death among women age 14 to 44 are complications from pregnancy and childbirth.

15% of all pregnancies result in a potentially fatal complication during labor and delivery. Women in the developing world rarely have access to emergency medical care.

More than half a million women die in pregnancy and childbirth every year - that's one death every minute. Of these deaths, 99 per cent are in developing countries. The lifetime risk of dying in pregnancy and childbirth in Africa is 1 in 22, while it is 1 in 120 in Asia and 1 in 7,300 in developed countries. (Source:UNFPA)

I have personally seen many fathers in Kenson's orphanage who lost a wife during childbirth (or shortly thereafter) and consequently placed their child in the orphanage.

Head over to the Livesay blog and read their post on maternal care in Haiti. Imagine your wife, sister, yourself giving birth in a country like Haiti and then consider how many women do give birth under such dire conditions every day. Get involved beyond a project that is just about orphan care. Step up and get involved in orphan prevention. Vote for the Livesays. Provide a financial gift to them. Pray for the women they serve by name. Don't be a bystander and don't just hand out some bandaids. Choose prevention.

Call me a rockstar

2011-10-22T21:11:00.001-05:00

Quite awhile ago, Passionate Homemaking had a post on how to be a rockstar with your kids. It involved visiting for school lunch and a pink tablecloth. I think I just loved how the post simplified life, that our kids long for us to treasure them and do things that show they are treasured. Small things, little things, things that seem very insignificant. To be rockstar parents, we don't have to be perfect or invincible or able to conquer everything. But somehow life gets busy and we find ourselves in the trenches, slipping and sliding into ruts as our kids' behavior frustrates us, the laundry vexes us, and the dirty floor laughs at us. It is unfortunately all too easy to let the day go by and realize while sitting in the quiet that only comes after the kids go to bed that you did not do a single activity with them that involved face to face, "you are a blessing to me" time.

This week, I chose to be a rockstar. It was not complicated. It was something I stole from Pintrest. Say hello masking tape roads! Of course, I was hoping my kids would fall in love with it. To be honest, I'm a bit surprised they haven't been more enamored. (I was hoping for hours and hours of playing. I think I got 30 minutes.) But we'll leave it out another day and who knows, maybe, just maybe it will be loved as much as I love it.

Got a plan to be a rockstar this week? Guess that gives me a valid reason for wasting time online.

The Girl....

2011-10-20T18:52:00.000-05:00

Apparently supper is a dangerous thing. Or my cooking is dangerous.

Tonight, amid the pulled pork sandwiches, sweet potato fries, and green beans, Conleigh told me she was having trouble eating it because "it might be poisonous."

Where does she get this stuff?

Sugar Cookie Bars

2011-10-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

Can I tell you how awesome I am at not buying junk food while grocery shopping?

Can I tell you how not awesome I am at making something fattening?

Last night, I saw a recipe for Sugar Cookie Bars. (The recipe is smack in the middle of a post featuring oodles of other yummy looking bar cookies. Things like Marshmallow Blondies and Smores Cookies.) So of course, tonight, I had to make them. They were wonderful in a lot of ways. One of the things I like least in a cookie are sandy, dry cookies. Sugar cookies, when done wrong have a tendency towards the dry and sandy. These cookies are not that. They are slightly underdone but not in a bad way, just soft. My other gripe about sugar cookies is that they take forever to prepare. Even if you are not cutting out shapes, they still manage to be a time sucking project. Not so with bar cookies. And this recipe makes a large batch. I did two 8 x 12 pans full. I did mix some cardamon into my batter and made my frosting with lemon juice and lemon zest. The photo with the recipe shows a lot of frosting so I went that route but if I were to do it again, I use less. I thought the frosting almost overwhelmed the cookie. I let the kids decorate them so we had rainbow sprinkles on half and purple sugar on the other. (Mostly even but clumped up in a few spots. See the photo evidence.)

Butter, sugar, sprinkles, some footie pajamas...what more could a kid want.

One Heck of a Layover

2011-10-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

On one of our trips to Haiti, D and I got stuck in an airport due to a missed flight. We actually weren't stuck in the airport since we did receive a discount coupon to a local hotel. (Thank you for the generous $10 off, Mr. Big Airline Company...) But it was still frustrating. The circumstances were beyond our control. While sitting on the tarmac waiting for our plane to take off, we knew we were going to be running late. We arrived at the airport to make our connecting flight and raced hopelessly to the right gate, knowing that we had probably missed the flight but still hoping it was not true. And then the reality set in and we realized we were going to have to do something with our whiney "I just want to be at home!" attitude. Home would have to wait, at least for one more night. We watched other travelers, walking calmly to board their planes, smiling and laughing with each other. We saw things that reminded us of what we were missing by not being home, things like $5 Diet Cokes and vinyl covered chairs. We knew that the next day would be about a night of little sleep and crunchy, already worn clothes.

I read something a few days ago where a blogger reflected on his trip to visit his dying sister. He wrote of the way the layover in one city smacked of the grief process that had already started, how it was about leaving one place and being stuck in another while waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Reading his words, I was reminded of my own layover experience, where I just wanted to be home but was stuck. And I quickly saw how grief is like that.

How I really just want to be in another place but I'm not.

How I'd like to be past the place where I'm teary every day.

How I'd like to be at a place where I confidently say how wonderful heaven will be because I will see the people whom I love...without silently thinking in my head something about how much more I wished they were actually here on this earth.

How I'd like to be in the place where I don't have to recognize that I get to walk away from my folks' house (and the in your face way death has invaded there) while my mom and brother deal with the aggressiveness of it all.

How I'd like to be in a place where my kids are not cheated by so many losses.

How I'd like to be in the place where I see the eternal implications for the untimely deaths of my mother in law and dad, instead of just the big gaping holes.

In a lot of ways, I know that I will get to those places. But the reality is, I'm not there nor will I be there soon.

In the last few weeks, I have been the outsider as two friends have lost loved ones. One cared for her sister -in-law as she died from cancer. One lost a spouse due to a sudden stroke at a crazy young age. I hope they know that it is okay to be stuck. That stuck is part of the process. That at some point, they will hopefully get unstuck. But to get unstuck you may have to sit in an uncomfortable place, a place that is stiff and unfamiliar and full of injustice like the $5 soda. You may have to whine and jealously want what others have. You may have to take the crappy hotel voucher with a slightly fake smile, while thinking less than gracious thoughts inside your head. You may have to get less sleep and just not be as put together as you'd like. But the place where you just want to get to is there. I know it's there. Maybe it won't actually be the place where I think I am going but Our God promises it is there. The God who keeps my tears in a bottle, the God who has engraved me on his palm, that God says it is there.

""This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21 - 23

Pumpkin and Apple Time

2011-10-09T21:02:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, we headed to one of our favorite fall spots: Martin's Hillside Orchard. It's a perfect, smallish place that features apples, raspberries, and pumpkins. I love that I can get apples for $1 a pound. I love that they have about 15 varieties including my beloved Honeycrip. I love that it's more about homespun, simple fun than a big fancy production. From picking your produce to the corn maze to the straw tower and pedal tractors, it is just simple but fun. My kids delighted at running through the corn maze in a game of hide and seek with a partner, then tip toeing to a hiding spot and trying to contain their giggles while they waited for the other grown up/child pair to find them. And they had slushies! Apple cider and raspberry lemonade flavored ones. Quite delicious.

Summer Catch Up

2011-10-05T21:32:00.005-05:00

These photos are from our June or July trip to Kansas. (So long ago that I can't even remember when.) One of the little girls from Conleigh's orphanage is only a few hours away. I love that we can see her and her family. Last summer, they had a trip planned that took them north so they came to our house to visit. This year, we made plans to go there. Even though it was a hot trip with temps well over 100, it was a very nice, low key day with lunch and the kids playing and the grown ups visiting. The kids especially had a grand time. They just played so well together. From there we headed to a hotel for the night. I was thrilled to eat at a diner that happened to have gooseberry pie. (My granny had gooseberry bushes in her backyard which I loved to pick with her. She also made pie with those berries and she loved to take turns asking the grandkids and great grandkids what kind of pie she should bring to the next family gathering. Gooseberry was always high on my list.) We decided we'd tour the Rolling Hills Zoo and Museum near Salina the next day. It was a great zoo for our family. The actual zoo is very spread out with beautiful lakes and walking paths. It's not as big as the Henry Doorly in Omaha but it still has a fair amount of animals including many different primates, giraffes, and rhinos. Right next to the zoo is a fully animated museum. The robotic displays featured different eco systems/time periods. The kids were a little spooked by the robots. (Insert sad face...) Even with the kids uncertainty, it was still fun be very close to gigantic stuffed polar bears, a life size elephant, and some very hairy buffalo.

You might be in trouble during the teen years if...

2011-10-01T18:16:00.000-05:00

your 4 year old comes into the kitchen with her notepad and points at the paper while uttering the words, "This note says it's not my turn to help put away the dishes."

Let's hope it's not a foreshadowing of things to come.

Why You Need a Sister

2011-09-30T11:41:00.000-05:00

Poor Kenson stubbed his big toe today on a nail head that was sticking out of a trim piece on the floor. He complained to me about it but I of course told him to toughen up. Five minutes later, he starts screaming bloody murder because the toe is bleeding. (Of course, he's tracked blood all over the first floor, from the bathroom to the kitchen to the dining room, but that's another story.) In between the sobbing and weeping, Conleigh decided she would help....with the words "I think you will die." When I rebuffed this, she did amend her words...to "Or be in a wheelchair fo evah." Oh so helpful, so very helpful.

Check out my new Flicker photostream

2011-09-29T20:35:00.000-05:00

As quite a few of the people who read this blog know, I occasionally channel my inner sewing goddess to make things for myself, my kids, and other people. One of the niche items that I make for others are satin lined, fleece hats. For curly haired folks, winter hats are nightmarish. They breed frizziness like rabbits breed more rabbits. And for people who have curly hair that has the texture I like to call "velcro", winter hats often mean lint that gets stuck in your hair as the interior of the hat deposits fuzzies into your hair. So, knowing how many people have said they wished they could find a satin lined winter hat, I decided I could come up with something that would meet that need, at a reasonable price. The thought was 1. satin reduces the friction between the hair and the hat therefore reducing breakage of hair 2. satin reduces friction between the hair and the hat therefore reducing the frizzies that can easily make a braided style that may have taken hours look messy 3. satin has no fuzzies that remain in the hair after the hat is removed. I've sold an assortment of hats through my Etsy store but have never really gotten around to creating a display of the hats I've made. Until today when I decided the quickest and easiest way to make such a display was to put the photos on a Flicker photostream. Since many of them are custom orders with a customer specifying colors or the overall effect of the hat, there are lots of different looks. Go ahead and browse. (See the photos below for a small sampling of the hats.) And pass the info on if you know someone who is looking for such a hat. Or head on over to my Etsy shop and contact me so you can order on for yourself or curly haired kiddo.

More Time as We than Not

2011-09-26T21:46:00.001-05:00

Hard to believe that August marked the point where Kenson has spent more time with our family than not...

From coming home at 2 1/2 to being home for 2 1/2 years..It's a silent threshold, one that I have thought about at several different points over the last few years, wondering how life will be at that point, the point when "we" as a family, the "we" that includes a mama, a papa, and Kenson now extends further than the orphanage years.

Riding his bike this summer, a luxury that he probably never would have known in Haiti

From a trip to Hati in 2009---I love this kid! His smile and eyes just make me happy.

Poverty, prosperity, and possessions

2011-09-25T20:17:00.000-05:00

For a thought provoking discussion on poverty, prosperity, possessions and where we as people who love Jesus fit:

Go here. (Mark Driscoll)

Then go here. (Sit a Spell blog)

And read through the comments.

Rocco

2011-09-22T18:04:00.000-05:00

Apparently, one pet is not enough for our household. Kenson, in all of his 5 year old wisdom, has decided that we need one more. Actually, it's more like he needs one more because the newest addition to the family is really just his and his alone.

And what might my little guy have decided upon?

Why a rock, of course!

Kenson picked him up at preschool and proudly introduced him to me in the van on the way home. As he fished around in his pocket, the conversation started with "Mamma? This is Rocco. Rocco the rock. He's my pet."

I knew there wasn't going to be much dissuading him from the whole pet rock idea so when he got home, I advised him that since Rocco was indeed a rock that he would need to stay outside with the other rocks. Not wanting to lose him, Kenson decided that it would be best to give Rocco a spot of honor on the railing of the back deck., a single solitary hunk of rock sitting on the wood.

Apparently, the trip from preschool to home wore Rocco out because later that afternoon I overheard Kenson shushing Conleigh as she headed outside to play. "You have to be quiet," he said. "Rocco's sleeping."

And sleep he did. For maybe 4 whole days because I didn't really hear to much about Rocco. Until yesterday. Rocco must have opened his eyes because Kenson spent a good portion of the afternoon playing with Rocco. Until Rocco went back to sleep. Which I was aware of only because Kenson again started shushing the people who were going in and out of the backdoor, cautioning them that Rocco was asleep again.

I'm guessing Kenson was starting to get worried that someone might awaken the sleeping rock because he then asked to bring Rocco in. I reminded him that rocks live outside so Rocco needed to stay outside. But I thought I might stay one step ahead of the game by covering all my bases and letting Kenson know that yes, some rocks did indeed come inside but that those rocks had specific purposes which is why they got to come indoors. So I casually said that there are some rocks that are allowed inside, like the rocks that go in an aquarium. Alas! All this did was provoke Kenson as he huffily replied, "Well yes, but Rocco can't go in an aquarium because he can't swim!"

No. No son, he cannot. In fact, I'm pretty sure that is one instance of swimming like a rock.

Saltine Cracker Toffee

2011-09-18T21:10:00.000-05:00

Empty cupboards + church potluck = dessert from saltine crackers aka Saltine Cracker Toffee

Sounds about like how life normally goes, doesn't it? But rest assured, I didn't take something to church that was inedible or just weird. I actually followed a recipe, which my husband would say is not something I normally do. Here's the jist: lay your saltines in a single layer on a cookie sheet. (I did grease mine with PAM but you could use parchment paper. Also, I used about 40 crackers.) Mix together 1 cup butter and 1 cup brown sugar, then bring to a boil. Continue boiling for 3 minutes. Pour the carmel mixture out on top of your saltines and spread it out so that it coats all of the crackers. Bake for 5-6 minutes at 400 degrees. The mixture will bubble but there is where it does its final cooking so that it turns into toffee rather than a gooey carmel. Remove from oven and sprinkle with chocolate chips. Let the chips sit for a few minutes until they are spreadable; then spread the chips evenly over the toffee layer. Add chopped nuts if desired. Cool and eat.

This is of course not my own invention. I've actually seen it in church cookbooks but never tried it until last night when I was trying to figure out what to take. Cue the empty cupboards and my desire for something easy. I actually followed the recipe from The Girl Who Ate Everything so head over there for pictures that will make you drool.

I cannot pass on that which is not my own

2011-09-15T08:32:00.000-05:00

Somehow, my little preschool boy has turned into a more mature school aged boy overnight. It's like a switch just flipped somewhere. His sentences are fuller and more grown up sounding. His actions are more like those I see of kindergarten boys when I teach, full of movement and life...and the constant desire to touch things. And he has developed a sense of spunk and sass that is completely new for him.

It's that last part that I am finding hardest to swallow. Perhaps because it often comes at times when he is being redirected or when he is unhappy with a grown up. Perhaps because I worry that my own impatience and harshly spoken words are taking root in his soul. Taming the tongue is hard and taming it as a mom is probably one of the toughest things I've been called to do. While I will never be perfect, I do want to be the mom who more often than not reflects a patient, gentle Heavenly Father who offers grace rather than judgement and calm rather than anger. Teaching my kids about such a God is not as much about reading them the Bible as it is about living the Bible. And today, already, before 8:30 a.m., I've been humbled by a boy, by my own understanding of my actions, and by the steady reminders of God through the words of others.

From Sally Clarkson's I Take Joy:
The beginning point for our children is to build strong, firm, foundations–emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually–to build these soul foundations on the rock, so that they will be able to stand firm and strong. Yet, Jesus was very clear. We must obey His truths and teach them. His teachings are simple and clear.

But herein lies the tension–there is a necessary sacrifice of the mom’s life to build these ideals. They do not just happen from a ten to fifteen minute devotional a day. The principles must be a part of the moms life, part of her instruction to her children and then the air of the truth must be breathed in and out, morning, noon and night , so that the child’s very soul will be shaped on the truths, the principles of wisdom, godly choices, and convictions, all which take years and years to build. Building a foundation takes time, hard work and energy and patience.

So, a foundation must be planned out and carefully built. The soundness of all great structures rest on the foundation. And so we must build the foundation of our children’s souls on solid, firm, immoveable rock, truths that are timeless. We must be students of the words and the truths, we must ingest them deep in our own souls, as a teacher cannot pass on that which is not first hers.

Let's Play Pretend

2011-09-14T08:40:00.001-05:00

Right now, there is nothing my two would rather do than play pretend. It is all they do, all day long. Trying to get them to go outside and enjoy the last few days of summer is like pulling teeth. They would much rather be inside playing pretend. Really, playing pretend is one of the cheapest forms of entertainment that there is. Most of the stuff in our pretend drawer is some cast off that would have just been thrown away, like an empty cereal box or a rusty ladle or a broken wrist watch. We do have a few thrift store/clearance rack finds like some frilly Halloween costume skirts and a football jersey. But I bet I've spent less than $10 on all of the make believe items we have. From pretend food to random hats to aprons and jewelry, it's always fun to see what their little brains have come up with.

Who needs a real shopping cart? Two chairs + a really long necklace + an apple basket work just fine.

Grandma 2, Kenson, and Conleigh playing "cooker food" also known as restaurant to the rest of us.
Conleigh is taking the orders. I'm not quite sure what Kenson is doing. The hat, although really a hard hat, is often all sorts of different things so I'm guessing he's not really a construction worker.

ABC Bible posters

2011-09-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

A while back, I saw some handy dandy ABC posters. They were unique in that each one featured a letter of the alphabet and a Bible verse. (Score! Two things we need to work on: knowing God's word and the alphabet.) And the graphics with each poster were simple yet cute. The price tag was not so cute. $30 for a set of posters that you had to print yourself. So being the craft goddess that I am (wink, wink), I decided I could use my scrapbook program to do essentially the same thing. (Plus I would get the benefit of deciding what Bible verses to use. I used the bulk of the verses from the poster set simply because it required less work but there were a few verses that I wanted to include and some I thought I could come up with a better verse than the one that was used.) I also decided that to conserve ink I would do a smaller version ie 4 to an 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper.

Here's the result:

They will fit perfectly on my kitchen cork board and I'm guessing the kids will love being chosen to go get the verse for the night and bring it in as we finish up supper.

What I've Been Reading

2011-09-09T08:00:00.001-05:00

After the Airport - My friend, Cate, set this out on her blog this week. It's a great adoption related read for so many reasons. It is real life, full of what adoption can really be like. Exhausting behaviors. Angry kids. Irrational fears. Parents who wonder and question their every move. Parents who feel guilty. Parents who miss life the way it was. Kids who miss life the way it was. And yet, it doesn't come across as angry, cynical, or skeptical. Often, when adoptive parents try to explain the realism of adoption, they are doing so after their dreams have come crashing down. Really, their whole world has come crashing down as they've had a child abuse another or they spend every day in a stress filled place due to PSTD or RAD or some other acronym they hadn't bargained for. So I get that they are still hurting and why that hurt fills their words when they share. That said, I like this blogger's words a lot. Real yet still for adoption...

I know what else you might be thinking: Are you trying to scare people away from adoption? Because this is pretty good propaganda for turning a blind eye to this mess. No I'm not. While adoption is clearly not the answer for the 170 million orphans on earth, it is one answer, and I'll go to the grave begging more people to open their homes and minds and hearts to abandoned children who are praying for a Mom and Dad and a God who might still see them.

But Brandon and I decided some time ago to go at this honestly, with truthful words and actual experiences that might encourage the weary heart or battle some of the fluffy, damaging semi-truths about adopting. Because let me tell you something: If you are intrigued by the idea of adoption, with the crescendoing storyline and happy airport pictures and the sigh-inducing family portrait with the different skin colors and the feely-feel good parts of the narrative, please find another way to see God's kingdom come.

You cannot just be into adoption to adopt; you have to be into parenting.

And it is hard, hard, intentional, laborious work. Children who have been abused, abandoned, neglected, given away, given up, and left alone are shaken so deeply, so intrinsically, they absolutely require parents who are willing to wholly invest in their healing; through the screaming, the fits, the anger, the shame, the entitlement, the bed-wetting, the spitting, the rejection, the bone-chilling fear. Parents who are willing to become the safe place, the Forever these children hope for but are too terrified to believe in just yet.

I also liked how she did not make her struggles bigger than anyone else's, that this was about being a community and doing life together, that we need to know people well enough to know their "after the airport moments", to know when their world is falling apart or at the very least, starting to show stress at the seams.

So today, I'm writing for you who are somewhere "after the airport." The big moment is over and you are living in the aftermath when the collective grief or euphoria has passed. You lost a parent, a sibling, a friend, a child. The experience mobilized every single human being who loves you, and they rallied, gathered, carried you. And now it's three months later on a random Tuesday, and the sting has worn off for everyone else, and you are left in your sorrow.

I'm writing for those of you who had the oh-so-wanted baby after the cheers and showers and Facebook fervor, and now you're struggling with a depression so dark and deep, you are afraid to say it out loud. To you who moved across the country in obedience - you left your family, church, community, your jobs - and now the headline has passed and you are lonely and unanchored. For my friends who've brought their adopted children home and the media frenzy has died down, and you are holding a screaming toddler, a fragile kindergartener, an angry teen, trying to catch your breath and make it through the day without bawling while everyone else has gone back to their regularly scheduled programs...I'm with you today.

More importantly, God is with you today. He remains in the chaos long after it has lost its shine. When the delivered meals have stopped and the attention has waned, Jesus remains. He sticks with us long after it is convenient or interesting. If you feel alone today in your new normal, would you please receive this bit of beauty: this simple Scripture recited billions of times throughout the ages, perhaps without the poetry of David or precision of Paul, but with enough truth to sustain the weariest traveler:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut. 31:6).

He will never leave.

Never forsake.

Never.

For my readers who love someone living "after the airport," the big moment - be it a blessed high or a devastating low - is never the completion. The grief and struggle, the work and effort, the healing and restoring comes later. Will you call your friend who lost her mom to cancer five months ago? Will you check in on your friends who adopted this spring? Email your neighbor who took a big risk and moved or changed jobs or quit to stay home. For the love of Moses, do you have a friend who stepped out and started a church last year? Bring him a lasagna and do not be alarmed if he sobs into his french bread.

If you are living "after the airport," how I wish I could transplant my community into your life; friends who have loved us so completely and exhaustively, I could weep just thinking about it. Maybe one of the most brilliant ways God "never leaves us" and "never forsakes us" is through the love of each other. Maybe He knew that receiving love from people with skin on is the most excellent way, so He gave us an entire set of Scriptures founded upon community and sacrificial love for one another. I guess He realized that if we obeyed, if we became more like His Son, then no one would ever want for mercy when their chips were down. No one. Good plan.

Oh let us be a community who loves each other well. Because someone is always struggling through the "after the airport" phase, when the chords of human kindness become a lifeline of salvation. Let us watch for the struggling members of our tribe, faking it through sarcasm or self-deprecation or a cheerfully false report. May we refuse to let someone get swallowed up in isolation, drowning in grief or difficulties that seem too heavy to let anyone else carry. Let's live this big, beautiful Life together, rescuing each other from the brink and exposing the unending compassion of our Jesus who called us to this high level of community; past the romantic beginnings, through the messy and mundane middles, and all the way to the depths.

Yes, indeed. Let us be that community.

Orphan Care Reads

2011-09-07T17:28:00.001-05:00

What I've been reading... and what I think you should read too. (Smile, wink!)

*this article titled "The United States and UNICEF Wage War Against International Adoption" (The headline is a bit sensationalist for me but in general it seemed that the author provided a simple explanation of the concerns people have regarding UNICEF and the Department of State's policies on orphan care.) The major question that must be answered by UNICEF specifically is how they can incorporate their ideological stance of adoption as a last resort into a system that honors every child and values each child's need for a family. As the author writes in the concluding thoughts, there is a need to address macro issues within orphan care and micro issues.

"Ultimately, we all agree the world should work on the very real issues of global poverty, social injustice, and infectious diseases, which are largely contributing to the number of orphans worldwide. If we don’t address these macro issues we will never reduce the numbers of orphans or their suffering. But while we are doing that, we should also be promoting micro solutions." (ie international adoption) I suppose what appeals most to was to hear the author term it macro and micro. We cannot simply focus on one end of the spectrum. And it should not be one or the other. It should not be that we invest so heavily in the micro issues (the individual needs of a child) that we ignore the macro issues like corruption, disease, and poverty. Conversely, we cannot turn all of our attention to eliminating the need for adoption without considering how this will impact individual children who will be destined for a life in an orphanage or on the streets if international adoption is not an option."

I've also been keeping up with the thoughts from God's Littlest Angels, an orphanage which operates in Haiti. Both Dixie, the director, and Tom, another staff member, have expressed the need for each child to matter, for us not to be so program or rule driven that we ignore the basic needs that each child has. I especially liked what Tom wrote about tight ropes and safety nets. Families who are struggling need both. Each day, families struggle to survive. They struggle to provide shelter for their kids, to feed their kids, to keep their kids healthy and safe. We have an obligation to come alongside the families who are walking hat tight rope and do our best to hold their hands and steady their walk. But the reality is, families are going to fall. They are going to need a safety net that will protect their children from even more harm. Adoption is one aspect of that safety net.

Macro solutions, like initiatives by the World Food Program, work to keep families from walking the tight rope. Micro solutions, like small NGO's, try to keep families safe while on the tight rope. Macro solutions, like adoption legislation, work to keep children from being harmed once the family falls off the tight rope. Micro solutions seek to do what is best for each child, believing that every child matters and no child should be "sacrificed" for the greater good.

If you're interested, you can read more on this topic from the Carnegie Counsel here.

Grief in Real Life

2011-09-05T13:34:00.001-05:00

It's a 4 year old remembering and wondering knowing that Grandpa's hair was too long and too messy due to weeks of staying in a hospital and then asking at the funeral, "Who combed Grandpa's hair?" It's watching her connect the dots as she hears about a friend whose dog recently died and seeking answers to questions like "Is the dog in heaven?" followed by "Whose dog will he be in heaven? I mean, is he still Paul and Jeannette's dog?" and "Do you think Paul and Jeanette will share and let Grandpa play with their dog?" It's having the same little girl state so matter of factly during a lunchtime conversation about Grandpa that Jesus heals people and Jesus can raise people from the dead. And then delicately dancing over her faith so as not to crush it with your response about not understanding why God didn't heal Grandpa and that you know God made people raise from the dead but that those kind of miracles don't happen often and are not going to happen with Grandpa.

It's a strange combination of the past, the present and the future. Snapshots of the past flashing in your mind, mixed up with those surreal memories of hospitals and a casket. A letting go of things you knew and loved, the rituals that were just a part of the way things were. A new normal that greets you each day, a new normal that you're not sure you like. An interruption, aggressive and in your face as my mom and brother talk through harvest and hay and machinery. Yet it's passive and quiet like a tapping on your shoulder as you find yourself teary and full of deep sighs at random points throughout the day. It's about a future that feels hacked to pieces, where there is no 50th anniversary and no family trips and no Grandpa at high school graduation. A raw, uncertain future that is paired with the steadiness of God and family, a slightly unsure belief that this new future will be okay.

Life Lesson #65

2011-08-31T17:22:00.001-05:00

No matter how tempting or refreshing the ice crystals in the deep freeze appear, choosing to try to lick them off while Mama is searching for supper is a ill planned and rather painful idea.

No Boogers for Me

2011-08-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

As if our week was not long enough already, we had scheduled the estate auction for D's grandma for this Sunday. So after returning home on Thursday from my folks', we headed out Saturday night to help with that. Best part? (Other than crossing one more thing off of the to-do list.)

At the gas station on the way home...

Kenson: Can we go in and get something?

Me: No. I'm going to go in and maybe I'll bring you something back.

Kenson: Like?

Me: Like boogers?

Kenson: (Said with utmost seriousness and a fair amount of contemplation) Um, not for me. I eat real food. Maybe for Conleigh though. She eats boogers.

Home

2011-08-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

It's an expanse of endless sky, stretched and pulled blue, a particular shade that has no name except for maybe "wide open blue." It's clean and clear and just blue, a blue that causes the fleeting thought that perhaps God Himself has eyes that color and that by glancing at the sky you have just looked Him square in the eye and lived to tell about it. Eyes flecked by a few white clouds that for the moment are still as still can be, no movement until hot meets cold and a summer storm rolls in. The blue runs out as the green rises up. Tall green prairie grass, even taller corn, lacy alfalfa with tiny purple flowers. It's all green now but when the summer rains go and the fall arrives, the green will turn to streaks of sandy brown and pale yellow and an earthy autumn gold. The hills and flat and sky and space are oddly healing, like taking in a deep breath or letting out a really good sigh.

It's driving home on Highway 2, death still fresh and raw. Phone rings and it's the friend who faithfully stayed on the night that would never end, wanting to bring groceries to your empty refrigerator. It's a phone call to a neighbor who has already mowed the grass and started on the plans for the harvest that will need to be done in a few months, the corn that will demand to be picked, caring not that he who planted it is gone. It's finishing the last few miles to the home place with tears and then spotting the dirt lane road to the house, an unfamiliar vehicle parked at the place where the asphalt ends. Questioning looks and arched eyebrows, followed by nodding heads as the church pianist emerges from her car with ham and lemonade and bread.

Into the house where the muddy brown and orange calico cat lets go of her catness and practically leaps in laps, the loneliness of the last few months evident in her actions. Friends and neighbors and family in and out, in and out. Garden fresh tomatoes, homemade cinnamon rolls, cakes and brownies, round loaves of golden bread, spiced apples and cucumber salad in the hands of farm wives and school secretaries. Words that are not empty but full of sincerity. "If you need anything, you call." 'Now there might be some times where some things around here just get done without you asking and we hope that's okay." "You call me, even if it's 2 in the morning." The sense that the best love is practical and purpose-filled not just flowery sentiments.

The love of God revealed by the people created by God. Love pushed down and poured out, overflowing and spilling over. Servant hearts that hold tiny pieces of the God Man, even if the heart itself is unaware of the steady pursuit of that God.

Gripping Hope

2011-08-20T21:58:00.000-05:00

Source: sarahbear9708.tumblr.com via Meredith on Pinterest

Living this out...

My dad has been sick with an assortment of things for the last few months. He literally has been in the hospital every day since the middle of July. Much of the problems surrounded his digestive tract where he had had a surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and had sections of his intestines removed as they were inflamed from the stress of the tumor. After weeks of not being able to eat, the doctors finally saw an abcess in the area where they had resectioned his intestines. They were hopeful it would repair itself but after he got sicker and sicker, they opted for a surgery to removed the abcess. The surgery proved to be difficult and he lost a lot of blood during it. He was taken to the ICU where the loss of blood caused his blood pressure to be unstable. It never restabilized. This morning, around 2 a.m., my dad just couldn't keep up anymore.

Oh such heartache for my kids who were blessed with a grandpa who loved them in delightful ways like bringing doughnuts to them for breakfast or taking them in his pick up to go feed the cows. And oh such heartache for my dear Mama who just finds herself wishing for a few more moments that weren't enveloped within the walls of the hospital.

So much heartache because he loved much and was loved in return.

Lamentations 3:19-27 (The Message)

19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

We keep a grip on hope, believing that God's love has not run out, that His faithfulness is new each morning.

Resting in God

2011-08-18T09:05:00.000-05:00

It has been hard to write here. (If you haven't noticed...) With all that has gone on this summer, from being gone to starting the summer with D's grandma being sick and then her funeral, to my dad's diagnosis of cancer and subsequent hospital stays, I have just felt drained. It is one of those things where all of it seems to permeate every part of your life and you are tired emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Your kids sense the tone of life and respond accordingly. And even when you are home, you find yourself just wanting to do nothing, to invest in mindless pursuits. Like the Internet. Or tv. Or rereading Harry Potter 6 and 7 in a span of like 4 days.

I heard this Kari Jobe song awhile back but had kind of forgotten about it until this morning when I sat down to do my quiet time and opted to listen to some Youtube worship videos. I love the mental picture that it paints of God. A Father. A friend. An intimate lover.

"I wanna sit at your feet, drink the cup from your hand. Lay back against you and breathe. Feel your heart beat. Your love is so deep. It's more than I can stand. It's overwhelming."

Preschool, Here We Come!

2011-08-17T08:14:00.000-05:00

First day of preschool today at our new school (Old preschool is affiliated with our school system and the school/preschool have a policy of not allowing children to attend preschool if they are kindergarten eligible which Kenson is so we needed to make alternate arrangements this year.) Both were excited and have been begging to go back ever since D's classes started back up. I have been eyeing today with the thoughts of "3 hours of quiet!" (And yes I will miss them but this summer has been a bit intense; it's time for some changes in routine.) At our old preschool, breakfast was provided so I am definitely missing that this year. We have to leave by 7:30 to get the kids and D to school on time which is plenty early when you have two preschoolers who have to get ready and get breakfast. (Plus mine have a tendency to operate on Haitian time and are not always motivated to do things quickly.) I think I'm going to need to rethink our breakfast options on school mornings so that I'm not relying on PopTarts and granola bars, which I would rather not feed my kids on a daily basis if I can help it. At any rate, here are their smiling faces...

An Ode To Glen, the Walmart Cat

2011-08-14T22:02:00.002-05:00

Our Wal-mart has an alley cat that likes to hang out in the parking lot. I suppose someone feeds him/her so he/she thinks it's a pretty swell deal. I mean what's not to like about hot asphalt and literally hundreds of car tires that are at least 3 times your size.

My kids have noticed the cat a couple of times but awhile ago when we were there, Conleigh stopped while getting into the van and turned towards the cat, thinking she could pet him. I took the usual Mom route of "we don't pet animals we don't know." which of course meant she insisted that she knew him. Being the foolish mom that I am, I went down the "if you know him, you should know his name" path. Which meant I just gave her a chance to prove she knew him by telling me his name....

"It's Glen, Mama. His name is Glen. Bye bye, Glen."

Glen? Seriously, where did she come up with that one? I don't think we even know a Glen.

D had the honors of taking her to Wal-mart a few days after the naming of the cat. And of course she immediately wanted to know if Glen was there.

Fast forward to today and a grocery shopping trip to Wal-mart. As we stepped out of the van, Kenson sidles up to me, grabs my hand, and wants to know if we'd see Glen the cat..

And then tonight at supper, D was sharing about a new neighbor whose name is Lynn. "Lynn? Like Glen?" "Ooh Lynn...Glen...That rhymes." "Lynn. Glen. Hen. That all rhymes!"

So perhaps I should just be thankful that Glen the cat is useful for teaching pre reading skills like onset and rime? Or maybe just that I talked Conleigh out of petting a very mangy looking tabby cat who was probably snaggletoothed and fleabitten and that she hasn't asked to pet him again?

Where Children Sleep

2011-08-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

Just came across this photo essay which I love. Photos of where children all over the world sleep. I love that it is simple. There aren't a lot of words to pollute your feelings, just photos. And there isn't necessarily an air that living a certain way is best. It's more of an encouragement to consider how our children's bedrooms influence how they live their lives.

Birthday Number 5

2011-08-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

While we are still dealing with more family drama (ie my dad having a heart attack two weeks ago, then having stomach issues and being hospitalized since last week), we did manage to eek out a dinosaur birthday cake for somebody who is about to turn five. Kenson's birthday wishes were 1. a dinosaur cake 2. go to Grandma and Grandpa's to eat 3. a fire truck toy. The kids were especially excited about the chocolate rocks I bought to go with the dinosaur. And Kenson really wanted to eat his head.

We were hoping my dad would be out of the hospital by today and that was in the works even yet this morning but then an upset stomach nixed that plan. So we celebrated with Grandma, Grandma 2, Aunt Sheree and Uncle Time, Alissa, Quinn and Breanna while poor Grandpa sat in the hospital 30 minutes away. We'll go see him tomorrow. Too bad he can't even enjoy a piece of cake.

Lastly, I suppose the real question is why does five seem so much older than four? Oh my, how unbabylike 5 is. Now it's on to loosing teeth and reading and counting to 100.

My Sunday afternoon

2011-08-02T16:43:00.001-05:00

After having piles upon piles of fabric and stacks of patterns, I finally got around to actually making something. I've been intending to make Conleigh some cute little skirts so that was what I did. Pretty easy pattern that would have gone together much better if I weren't tired. I kept pinning things together wrong sides together which is not the way to make much of anything. I did have to call my mom once for help but actually I figured out my question mostly on my own once I started talking to her about it.

At some point, I'll add this as a custom order on my etsy shop where you will be able to pick your own colors and patterns and create a one of a kind twirly skirt. But that would require me finding a few more fabric selections. At any rate, I think it would make a great gift for any little girl.

Adventures in Parenting

2011-07-31T13:50:00.001-05:00

Remember the movie, Adventures in Babysitting? It's classic 80's although I think the version I first saw was some edited one as the last time I saw it, I was amazed at some of the content. Anyway, the general jist is that a teenage girl ends up taking a babysitting job in the suburbs, gets a desperate phone call from her best friend who is stranded at some bus station in the inner city, packs up the kids in the station wagon and heads towards the city for a crazy night filled with a tire blow out, a scary truck driver with a hook for a hand, a car heist, a gang fight, and a 7 year old who is obsessed with the super hero, Thor.

Thus far, I have had no such craziness in my adventures in parenting. No stitches, no ER visits, not even vomit. (Plenty of parasite poop but no vomit.)

Tonight was an awfully close call though.

Our hundred year old house has a floor grate that is in the floor of our upstairs bathroom which means it is also on the ceiling of the room directly below it: our kitchen. The floor grate is the heavy metal kind, about 8 inches by 12 inches in size and is useful for helping to heat the upstairs or for two kid yelling back and forth while one of them is using the bathroom.

Hole in ceiling from where the grate used to be

As I was slicing oven fries, Conleigh was upstairs using the bathroom. A penny flew through the grate. I yelled upstairs to Conleigh about it, and she of course told me that the money was upstairs and needed to go downstairs with logic that only a 4 year old can manage. (ie how else would I expect the money to get downstairs other than going through a grate? Walking it downstairs is not a viable solution.)

A few second later I hear a loud thud, look and realize that my daughter is dangling from the grate. She had taken off the grate from the bathroom upstairs and tried to stand on the second grate that covered the hole in the kitchen ceiling. The 4 screws from grate cover from the kitchen ceiling could not support her weight and fell to the floor, hence the thud. She caught herself with her arms as she fell so as I look up, I see two legs and two strong little arms holding onto the bathroom floor for dear life.

I told her to not move and ran towards the stairs trying to get through the dining room, entry, and up the stairs into the bathroom. In doing so, while running across the tile in the entry, I hit a patch of water that the dog dribbled out of his bowl and slide across the floor, into the bottom stair. At this point, I'm crying because I think I may have broken my toe and because I'm a little scared about Conleigh.

By the time I get to the bathroom, she has pulled herself out of the grate hole and is starting to stand up on the floor. Kenson was in the kitchen and saw all of this and is now bawling at the top of his lungs. I'm still crying crying and am now worried that I have not broken just one toe but instead three. Conleigh is pretty shell shocked.

I sit Conleigh on the couch and decide that maybe a conversation with the panicked brother will be better than a conversation with me. I calm Kenson down and have him share why he is crying. He tells her he was very scared she was going to fall through that big deep hole. I tell her that I am crying because I hurt my toe. Then we cover the standard "don't you ever do that again!"

I head back to the kitchen to cut up the potatoes because if I don't get the oven fries going, we will have nothing to eat for supper. As I'm cutting, Conleigh starts whimpering a little about her bottom hurting. I check and she has a pretty good section of scrapes, nothing deep just scratches. My foot is worse than her bottom so I tell her once I'm done with the potatoes, we'll get medicine. After the potatoes get done and I find some ibufrofen for myself, I give her a bit of Neosporin and hope the thought of medicine makes it better. As I'm doing so, Conleigh keeps looking up at our 9 foot ceilings with big eyes. I could tell she was gauging how tall they were and how badly it might have hurt if she fell. Her eyes keep filling up with tears and as I sat down to try to ice my toe, she crawled up with me and tells me how she hates that I got hurt and she hates that she fell. My sweet Kenson passed on the monkey he was holding and tried to make her feel better. (Probably the best part of the whole ordeal...seeing both of them show love for someone who was hurt.)

Now I know you are all enjoying this story and smiling while thinking "that's kind of funny." However, I have probably not even shared the best part of this story, something only those of you with toddlers/preschoolers will understand.

Remember how I said that she was using the bathroom when all of this happened?

Here's the kicker: this all happened with her underwear around her ankles and without the benefit of toilet paper.

Yes.

Yes indeed-she had gone number two, stopped to admire the grate, and gotten distracted before she had a chance to wipe and pull up her pants. Only a 4 year old could pull off that little gem, only a 4 year old.

A Little Bit of Fun

2011-07-24T20:43:00.000-05:00

In between all the hard stuff, we have managed to have some fun including a trip to my aunt and uncle's for the 4th of July. My cousins who are currently working in India were back in the States so we met up with them, my grandma, my aunt and uncle, and more cousins. My dad was still not feeling great so he and my mom stopped by just for a bit.

Lots of playing and lots of eating. (A grilled out lunch plus my grandma brought gigantic marshmallows for making Smore.) And in a tribute to my friend, Lisa, we had a watermelon smashing. (ie blindfold your loved ones, spin them around, and have them try to smash a watermelon with a bat) Oh and the kids also rode Taffy, one of the most mellow horses on the planet. No hesitation on Kenson's part at all which is a major accomplishment.

After all of that, we headed to Gothenburg to watch a rodeo that my brother happened to be announcing. (And as fate would have it, he had a friend visiting from out of state so we got to meet her which rarely happens because he likes to keep all of that stuff close to the vest. She seemed very nice and perfectly sarcastic which means she fits in well with our family.)

There are no words...

2011-07-21T22:17:00.002-05:00

May I go on and on for a bit? Just indulge me. This summer is kicking my tail.

Let's start the Monday after Mother's Day in May-

Drive two hours to take D's grandma to a doctor's appointment. Find her in poor health and call the ambulance. Spend around 5 days in Norfolk with her in the hospital.

Return 3-4 days later when they dismiss her to the nursing home to check in and stay overnight.

On day number 3 or 4 in nursing home care, D's grandma continues to have health concerns and they admit her back to the hospital. Hospital staff do not feel that it is urgent, rather it is just for observation so we stay at home. Next evening, receive a late night phone call saying she is doing poorly. We leave our house around 11 p.m., arrive in Norfolk around 2, where D goes to the hospital and I take the kids to the hotel. Make end of life decisions, dismiss her to the nursing home for hospice, and wait. End up spending about a week total in Norfolk as we plan her funeral over Memorial Day weekend and also plan to sort through the house while D's brother is in town.

My dad begins feeling poorly about the time of Marie's funeral. Goes in to see doctor about ten days after the funeral, has multiple tests that reveal mass in his colon. Has mass removed and is determined to be cancer. Visit him in hospital while D coaches special all state high school soccer game. Dad is discharged and heads home but has problems with maintaining his body temperature and is admitted to the local hospital for observation while they monitor his fever. Eventually determined the fever is not infection related and returns home. The kids and I head west to provide some comedic relief and encouragement; D eventually joins us. Return home for a few days then head the 3 hours west to my family for the 4th. Actually a planned event as my cousin was visiting from India. Enjoy a the 4th with family and a rodeo plus take a mini vacation in Kearney. Dad continues to get better; he and Mom go to Colorado to see a natural healthcare specialist who can provide them with some alternative medical ideas to do while they wait to do chemo. Oncology appointment on July 18; port for chemo put in the 19th. Chemo scheduled for first week of August.

We head to Kansas for a mini vacation/meet up with some friends who adopted from Conleigh's orphanage. Again an actual planned event. Spend the night in Salina but while doing our mini vacation, my mom calls and says my dad is having heart issues. He ends up in Kearney where they put in a stint. We decided to drive the 3 hours home rather than the 3 1/2 hours to Kearney but will head there probably in the near future.

Add to all of this:
-my uncle (my dad's brother) had a horse roll over onto him and broke his foot pretty severely
-my brother in law moved from Boise to Norfolk and is looking for a job
-my father in law had blood clots in his lungs at the same time as D's grandma was first hospitalized
-my mom was scheduled to have hand surgery this summer due to pain in her hand but has been unable to do so because of all that has happened
-and on the same day as my dad's heart stuff, the high school kids who work for them were working on irrigation stuff and had a semi hit the pipe trailer they were hauling

I don't say all of that because I want people to feel sorry for me. (Although having someone commiserate with you often feels so nice!)

I just say it it to share the degree to which life has piled up on us. And the reality is there just aren't a lot of pretty words that make it all make sense or even make it feel better. We like to wrap our words up into neat little packages that just make it all alright. It's human nature and we've all done it. We've all felt like we've offered some trite sentiment to someone who was really in the thick of it and realized that our words were not wise or comforting or even all that thoughtful.

We want to be encouraging and spiritually uplifting so we say things like "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." (Um, reality check...God always gives us more than we can handle because otherwise we are simply attempting to do life on our own. It is all more than we can handle. Apart from God we are not wise, we are not strong, and we have no solutions.)

And so many people love the line "God has a reason for everything." Which is potentially true. To some degree. But awfully cold when you are the one who has to consider that God has given you cancer or a death or a divorce simply because His reason is so great. I guess it just leaves you stuck with the question of how a compassionate God who keeps our tears in a bottle would deliberately gift you a horrible gift simply so you could flesh out the reason behind the gift.

I suppose the flip side of that is the comment "This is not from God; only good things come from God." Again partially true. Every good and perfect thing does come from heaven. But our God is not the God of the prosperity gospel. People whom God loves suffer. All the time. And in our little corner of America, we often suffer a lot less than people who live in desperately poor places like the tent cities of Hait or the war torn countries of Africa. Does God love those people less because they have less? And really it's not even about material things. Why would a God who loves to give us good things withhold peace and food and even the simple gift of a sturdy shelter from so many people?

I suppose this is mostly about me seeking that nicely wrapped package, where I understand exactly why God does what He does and where I can articulate it clearly so that others see my life and glorify Him. But more than likely it's probably about hashing it out yet again, reminding myself of the things I have learned and heard.

Things that are more riddle like than absolute.

Things like "God's good is not my good." which requires sorting out how we define good in our lives.

And things like the voice of God saying "I love certain people more than you and I know exactly what is good for them even if that is painful for you."

But even those things sometimes seem a bit lacking. There are always the bits and pieces that don't fit, that leave loose ends, that leave me wondering. Often it feels like it's just about putting one foot in front of the other while being tired of all the junk life serves up.

And maybe that's one of the biggest lessons of the junk, that we can't sort it all out no matter how we try. There are no perfect answers, no wonderful words that we can tell ourselves or others that make it all make sense. The perfect package of words and Scripture just doesn't exist. I cannot get rid of the loose ends. I am only able to see in this dimension my hurt and frustration and tears that lay in the shadow of an almighty, all knowing God who somehow stoops down to cradle those things close to His heart, all while the active hand of God steps away from that shadow to interact with the real world. Don't get it at all....

Cake Batter Rice Krispie Treats

2011-07-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

Since there is apparently nothing of interest going on in our life right now, perhaps we'll continue on with the "it's too hot to cook/use your summer produce" recipe series? (Completely not true but I just can't seem to get around to posting about it. Some of it's cruddy stuff and some of it's fun but I just haven't made the time.)

I found this recipe on Pinterest, which is frankly my newest online obsession. (Think a giant online board where people post their favorite crafts, recipes, quotes, etc..)

Anyway, while perusing the things others love, I saw the heading "Cake Batter Rice Krispie Treats" and was intrigued. (Much more appetizing than some of the things people share like vinegar dipped, oven baked radish chips or guacamole spewing out of the mouth of a mini jack o lantern. Both of those just kind of grossed me out.) The basic jist is this: take your regular ole Rice Krispie treat recipe and while the marshmallows are melting with the butter, add a bit of powdered yellow cake mix. (I especially thought of my friend, Cari, while writing this because she loves Rice Krispies and also has a funfetti cookie recipe that she likes to make.) D said he thought they tasted the same. I thought they definitely had a cake flavor to them. The kids just liked that they had sprinkles and Kenson was very excited that I actually let him measure and cut the butter. I'd say they are worth a try if you're looking for a quick and easy dessert that won't heat up your kitchen.

Cukes and beans and zucchini! Oh my!

2011-07-18T15:46:00.000-05:00

Can I tell you how excited I am about my garden this year? I used a three sisters model which my friend, Rebekah, told me about and crammed a lot of stuff into my space. Two kinds of tomatoes, sugar snap peas (which are more of a cold season veggie and are done for all practical purposes), sweet corn, green beans, zucchini, and cucumber. I also have carrots, lettuce, and some herbs growing in pots. Just in general, it all looks healthy and not like the usual half neglected garden I end up with.

This week marks the first of the summertime harvesting so the last few nights, we've gotten to enjoy product from our garden. The other night, D was out of town and I wasn't feeling too hot so I opted to make zucchini patties for a light supper. Shredded zucchini from the garden, mozerella and parmasen cheese, onion, salt and pepper combined with some eggs and flour to hold it all together, fried 'til crispy on both sides. Kenson ate three of them all by himself. Very easy and doesn't taste vegetabley which is high on D's list. (Too bad he wasn't here to eat them.)

And two nights ago, we had cucumbers and green beans alongside our cavatini. The cucumbers made into the old ranch dressing based salad but the green beans I grilled and actually got positive comments from D who is none to keen on green beans. I kept the beans intact except for the ends, put them in a large ziplock bag, added olive oil along with seasonings (salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, and minced garlic), shook to coat them, and then used my tongs to grill them on my indoor grill. In my husband's defense, he did tell me he only had three so if he actually ate four, it might have turned them into a negative experience.

Fellowship of a Shared Burden Yet Again

2011-07-10T21:32:00.000-05:00

This weekend, D and I got to take a weekend for ourselves. In the middle of stress and craziness, we were refreshed and renewed through the Fellowship of Christian Athletes Marriage Enrichment Weekend, just for coaches and their spouses. We registered for the event months ago but then as all of the events of this summer unfolded, quickly realized that our original plans of leaving our kids with my parents for the weekend was not going to work. So in order for us to go we were going to need to figure out a different plan, one that involved asking others for help.

I have no idea of why that is so hard. Maybe because you don't want to be seen as the friend who sucks everyone dry. Maybe because you feel some like even though you know your friends wouldn't do it unless they really wanted to, you still feel like you are taking advantage. Maybe just because we find it really hard to let others take care of us if we are still somewhat capable of doing life on our own, waiting instead until we have completely hit rock bottom to ask others for help.

Two dear friends stepped up to the plate and said that they would take our kids so we could go. One could only do it for part of the time while the other could do it for the entire weekend which worked better. Today, D and I picked the kids up and headed to church and I was so reminded of the words "the fellowship of a shared burden" and a post I had written previously. It is humbling to have a friend say "I will stand in the gap for you even if it costs me something. It is humbling to have a friend say "I will stand in the gap for you and I expect nothing from you in return." What a blessing to pick up my kids from my friend's house and find everyone smiling, everything calm and in control. (Although my friend was on Facebook at midnight the night before asking how to get silly putty off of a pacifier and sippy cup.)

Then after church today, a couple from our church visited with us and asked a bit about what was going on with my dad's health. And their next words left me smiling as well. "We've been gone and as we were praying today, Paul said that we hadn't prayed for you guys lately." It's that image of a husband and wife who regularly spend time together, praying for other. It's knowing that they know us by name and pray for us regularly, to the point that they recognized that they hadn't prayed for us like they normally do.

I know there are lots of people who attend church all their lives and are not held up by those around them. And I know there are lots of people who have only met Christians who are more about rules and regulations than about love and the fellowship of a shared burden. Knowing that just makes me sad. It just sinks down deep in my gut that others are missing Who God is because we a church are missing out on living how God desires us to live.

Musically Inclined

2011-07-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

My kids are music kids. I think part of it stems from their Haiti lives where music has a way of surrounding you. So many of the images I have of Haiti are actually connected to sound. The steel drum band that you hear when you debark the plane and enter the airport. The busy city noises that echo an American city, full of car horns and motorcycles zipping in and out of traffic, yet uniquely Haitian because of the cries of hens and roosters destined to become somebody's supper. And for my kids, I believe they spent a lot of time being sang to or at very least, hearing the sounds of others singing. Both of my kids came home knowing songs and music has always lit up their faces.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that they gravitate towards music. Sometimes, it's songs we know and recognize.

And othertimes, it's something we've made up. Kenson has a song with the lyrics "I love everything in the world. I love tigers. I love cows. I love bears." It's a bit of a neverending ditty as the objects of his affection often change. However, Conleigh's song from last night probably takes the cake. The lyrics were very simple and oft repeated. "My bagina is full of pee." Oh. My. Goodness. Let's hope she doesn't decide to use the Walmart checkout line as the perfect practice spot.

What I've Been Reading

2011-07-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

Just got two new books in the mail today. New books on my counter are like a bell and Pavlov's dog.

At the suggestion of my friend, Rebekah, I'm checking out yet another parenting book. Perhaps this one will have the magic pill that makes it all easy... And because I've heard good things about this book and truly think I've been in need of refocusing on gratitude, the second one is on my list for my quiet times.

I've also been following a long with the Hendricks' blog and the series they have posted on poverty. This week, they are tackling the topic of how our shopping habits influence the lives of others around the world. I appreciate that they don't necessarily have the answers. Oversimplifying complex problems results in ideological thinking that doesn't allow for exceptions or flexibility. And it often doesn't examine every angle.

Would I love to buy products that are made by people who are paid a fair wage and treated respectfully? Of course. But would eliminating sweatshop type labor mean that those workers who now make a meager wage would trade that meager sweatshop wage for no wage?

Love the thoughts expressed including "I would like to say this post will wrap up with something nice and tidy to say. The truth is, nothing has felt nice and tidy in our souls ever again when it comes to the topic of buying products from the store. For many months, as we continued to read about the conditions in which a lot of laborers work, and the way they are treated, we were kind of in a daze. We knew there were lots of things we did not "need" to be buying. How do we wean ourselves off of this world, and our constant desire for more, more, more? How do we shop in a way that considers and honors the people behind our products? Where should we shop when we do actually need something? How often do we choose "cheap" and "convenient" even when we are pretty sure our need for "cheap" and "convenient" means someone...somewhere suffers for our decisions we are making? We did not know where to start, but we did know...we don't want to be involved with oppressing the laborer. We want to use the money God has given us to give to the poor like God commands, not cheat them of their hard-earned wages (something that God gives stern warnings about in the Bible)."

Hard Things

2011-07-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you are in some not fun game that involves tail chasing and head banging?

At our house, we are currently there as we have a child who is not getting enough sleep, is keeping the other child up at night, and then is a complete wreck the next day. I think a lot of it stems from this child's reaction to change ie she does not process change well. (And we have had nothing in our lives be normal since the begining of May.) For her, it especially seems to interrupt her normal sleep patterns. thankfully, we are not back to the multiple nighttime wakings. We are instead on to staying up until crazy hours. So we stay up late, get up at our regular time, and then are a disaster the next day. An over tired girl means a crazy disobedient girl. And for her, part of the problem is that she is not easily motivated by external stimuli. She will only change her behavior once she decides that the behavior is worth changing. Whether we are talking about staying in bed and going to sleep or obeying during the daytime hours, once she gets in a behavior rut, it can be difficult to get her out of that rut. You often feel like whatever consequence you give is insignificant and that it wouldn't matter how harsh the consequence was, no matter how much you heap on the consequences, there is little change in the behavior. Positive reinforcement works well with her but when she is in the funk, it can be challenging to find positive things to praise her for.

Ohhh, how she can push my buttons!

And I would be the first to admit, I have not been dealing well with it. Too much Angry Mama. It is so easy to feel justified in your anger as a mom. Too easy to think "If she would just do x, then I wouldn't be angry." Too easy to think "I try so hard to be calm and patient but after three or four times, an angry response is okay." I don't expect perfection from myself. I just don't want to choose the easy way to love. I was reminded of that when I read this blog post from A Holy Experience. In a conversation with her father, the writer hears her father share about a friend and that conversation reminds her of just how important it is to do the hard things, to love in a way that is not necessarily easy.

"Alan Strand called the other day. He was trying to figure out whether to spend the time he’s got left restoring another tractor, buying a new engine for it, or if he should try to track down his daughter. He hasn’t heard from her in ten years. Doesn’t even know where she is.”

Now this seems pretty obvious to me.

“And he decided?”

“The tractor.”

I grope for meaning and the words dribble out. “He intentionally considered the options, voiced them to you… and then decided the tractor?”

“Yep. He knew how to do the tractor. Little risk. The daughter, she was all risk. And you know….”

I shake my head. None of this makes any sense. And yet it does.

“Do we give up what makes us really happy — farming, restoring tractors, writing, study, whatever we are good at it— a lifetime of happiness—for a few days of happiness at the end?Do we sacrifice what makes us really happy day in and day out, for a few days of happiness with the people at the end? And there’s no guarantees with the people.”

I’m stirred. Before I can think, I rush along, finding what I’m looking for, my rock. I say the words more to myself than to him, words leaving my mouth before I can think.

The other end of the line is quiet. Tentatively, I step out a bit further. “Maybe making small sacrifices in personal pursuits – doing less of our own thing in our own spheres …. maybe taking the time to enter into the bubble of the other, in the end we will know a happiness we couldn’t have imagined.”

I circle back, wondering if he’s following.

“Maybe this is one way we live out what Jesus us calls us to.” I say the words again, deliberately, for they seem new to me, richer in ways I hadn’t considered. “He who loses his life will find it.”

Dad lets his voice expose where he is. “Yeah. Maybe….” I let him find his way…

“But maybe none of us can change really. Great artists, great actors, great politicians, its all the same. They do what makes them happy and that means they don’t have much time for people. Balance is a hard thing. Nearly impossible if we are going to do something well. And we’re wired the way we are. Maybe those around us just come to accept it.”

I hurt inside.

“I am too old to change. I know farming.” He sounds just like Grandpa.

Then he’s talking about the price you can get for a bushel of corn, the weather forecast for the next few weeks.

I’m thinking about the times I’ve been in my own bubble with my own agendas of accomplishments, drifting away from people and the true happiness disguised.

I’m thinking about the time I’ve chosen to wash windows, tend a flowerbed, answer an email, instead of playing a game of bananagramswith a trio of loud boys, read an Eloise Wilken story to pleading eyes.

My pride was tangled up in the tasks.

Why didn’t it matter more to love well? Where did I think I really would find happiness?

And I wonder if it’s the fact that relationships don’t bring us paychecks, rarely accolades.

Loving well, stepping over hurt, laying aside self and desires, draws on more of our interior resources than investing in a career, a skill, a personal pursuit. And yet, there are no promotions. No public status. No guarantees.

Relationships grow only in a hot house of of humility, selflessness, open-handedness. Hard things that are inherently risky: for all that, you can’t control the outcome."

Relationships are about hard things. Being a mama to a 4 year old, stubborn yet fiercely resilient little girl requires hard things. It requires I choose to live outside of what is comfortable and easy and instead die to self and choose to love God's way.

Who are the poor?

2011-06-24T08:24:00.004-05:00

Really enjoyed reading this post on who are the poor. Basic jist-we are called to the poor, the least of these, but who exactly is that? The poor in Haiti look dramatically different than the poor in America; does this mean one is more important? Should we make a distinction when we consider how to invest our time, talent, and treasures? And is there a need to serve them differently? How do we recognize the poor in America? Are they really poor? I also liked what was said about Christians making a distinction between the poor and the lost. We should frame our worldview from an eternal perspective, one that treats each person as a soul that needs to find a resting place for eternity. But not all lost are poor and not all poor are lost. So how does this influence us? Do we have a tendency to lump them together and assume that if we work with the poor, we are working with the lost? Or that because we have a friend who is lost that we have now served the poor? Just loved the thoughts that the post encouraged especially when I consider the community I grew up in, the community where I live now, and my job as a teacher in that community.

What to do when you are the ethics whistleblower (or when you're sitting on the sideline while others blow the whistle)

2011-06-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I shared a link on the ethics of adoption, specifically in Haiti. In that link, Tara mentions the difficulty that arises when a family feels that an orphanage director or an organization is not being ethical. To blow the whistle means to stick out your neck and risk jepordizing your adoption. Often adoption leaves people feeling like the orphanage staff/administration holds all the cards and that if you as a parent question them or speak negatively of them, then they will shut down your adoption. When you as a family do start voicing your concerns, you indirectly influence what happens with tens maybe hundreds of other families and their adoptions. Obviously, those other families will have some hard thinking of their own to do and for all families, it is a scary time when people become concerned that their children will end up being stuck in an orphanage forever and/or their adoption monies will be lost. It is an emotionally charged thing, and it can be very hard to think objectively when you are in the middle of a situation where a family/families are raising concerns about things like orphanage care, financial mismanagement, or the actual adoptability of the children in the orphanages. Speaking from my own experience with such a time, I walked away from that time feeling many things specifically in regards to how to manage concerns regarding the ethics of an orphanage.

1. I am not on a side so don't assume that if I don't automatically agree with you that I am against you. Don't assume that I want you to be quiet and don't assume that I haven't done a lot of critical thinking about the issue at hand. And don't assume that I believe everything is hunky doory.

2. There is an appropriate way to handle concerns. I know there is not a manual for airing concerns in relation to adoption concerns. That said, in the situation we were involved with, I had concerns about how the issues raised were addressed. A petition with concerns from a list of parents was presented to the board of the group we were working with. Not all families who worked with the group were advised of the petition nor were all families given the opportunity to discuss it or even read it before it was presented to the board. The very day it was presented to the board, this petition was posted on line in a very public forum, in a place where the board would probably be unable to rebutt it due to the membership requirements of said forum. Even if the board had been able to join this forum, posting it before the board even had a chance to respond left a bad taste in my mouth. Also, the petition had a variety of concerns some of which were major items, some of which were comparatively insignificant. In short, in my opinion, a petition like that should stick to the major items and leave those things that are more trivial for another time. The online barrrage of negativity, often opinion based concerns came across as one sided and full of anger. While I am not denying that people may have had a reason to be angry, I don't think the Internet is the right forum for that. I am a fact based person. I want there to be facts not so and so told me that this happened to so and so or after connecting a bunch of dots, this is what I think happened. (And if you signed the position or were angry about all that went on, don't think I am angry with you. I'm not. I'm just saying that it was very hard for me to hear the concerns due to the way the petition was handled.)

3. When there is a crisis related to an orphanage's integrity, it can be very easy for people to feel betrayed by the director/staff. Those feelings of betrayal bring out very big feelings and consequently, it can be very easy for those affected by that to have the equivalent of emotional vomit. I know that might be a bit harsh. I'm not saying it because I am trying to be mean. I'm just saying that women especially have a tendency to verbally process what is happening to them and that this issue, especially when it involves feelings of betrayal by a friend or trusted person, can lead to some major mouth before brain disease. While I don't think people should be shushed or told to not rock the boat, I do think people who need to verbalize what is going on need to do so in appropriate ways that does it's best to refrain from gossip, slander, and outright meanness and instead sticks to the facts. Saying the group lied to you is not a fact. Explaining what was said to you is. Saying a group abused your child is not a fact. Explaining exactly what your child said happened is. I know that sounds like I'm splitting hairs. But the reality in those situations and in many others, there can be subtle differences in what is said that make a huge difference. For example, early on in Kenson's adoption, the orphanage director at the time told us he had a heart defect and thought he would qualify for a medical visa. She told us this for several months. Then, out of the blue, she said that the pediatrician had visited and no longer thought he would qualify. We were crushed because we had thought that he would be getting to come to our house much earlier due to this and because she just quickly shared the news as if it would have no consequence to us. It would have been very tempting to say "she lied to us and said Kenson would get a medical visa." The reality is she probably used poor judgement in saying anything to us but I have no proof that she lied. There was no tangible benefit to her telling us that information and then changing plans. We paid no extra money and the orphanage gained nothing. By explaining the situation rather than saying it was a lie, the situation appears in a different light.

4. At the time all the hoopla was going on with the group we were working with, my mother in law had just be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I did not have the mental or emotional strength to get into the middle of what was going on. After talking with my parents, D and I decided the best course of action was to take a "wait and see" attitude. Truth always has a way of being found out, one way or another. To be honest, this worked best for us. We did not personally have evidence of anything and the information we were receiving from the concerned parties was so laced with opinion and circumstantial type items, that it was very hard for us to sort out exactly what was true and what was not. Obviously, if we had personal knowledge, information that we directly witnessed, we might have acted differently.

5. Truth can be a relative thing, especially when you are talking about a country thousands of miles away. Whenever there are discrepencies that I personally have not witnessed, I usually try not to believe 100% of what anyone else says. Instead, I tend to believe that the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. (It's like witnessing a car accident. Almost every person has a bit different take on exactly what happened. No one is necessarily lying; it's that everyone is viewing it from a different perspective.) When you talk about situations between orphanages and adoptive parents, every person brings different experiences and expectations to the table. When something goes awry, those experiences and expectations impact that person's interpretation of what is going on. Realizing that probably no "side" is giving a 100% accurate picture of what is actually going on is important. Were there things that were not okay? Yes. Where there things that perhaps got blown out of proportion because it was an emotionally charged situation? Yes. Do I think they have taken some steps towards remedying some of the issues? Yes. (Including a change in the leadership, using an agency as a middle man between adoptive parents and the orphanage/director, and having an American missionary working in Haiti instead of the orphanage being run completely by Haitian staff.) Do I think they have completely solved every problem they have had? Probably not.

I know all of that probably makes it seem like I probably sided with the group in question. If so refer to item number one, "I'm not on a side." I just know in our situation, the way things were conducted made it very hard for us to hear the group putting forth the concerns. So maybe what I'm mostly saying is that if you have concerns, you can go a long way towards making headway by doing your best to be above reproach and to act in a professional manner. By all means rock the boat. But think carefully about how you want to rock it. A tsunami rocks a boat but so does a simple push. And that if you are in the middle of something but are not sure where to place your allegiance, that maybe you don't have to pick a side but that instead you can advocate for reform from a position of neutrality.

More orphanages? More adoptions? More support for families in crisis?

2011-06-22T16:35:00.002-05:00

Tara shared a thought provoking post, one that anyone involved in orphan care or adoption really ought to read. I think it is designed to leave you with more questions than answers and that's okay. Adoptions and ethics are a hard topic and there are no pat answers. There are lots of simple truths like "kids need to have food" but not lots of simple answers. Reading Tara's post, there were many things I wanted to say. And like Tara, I kind of felt like if I wrote it down, it would head down some weird, windy twisty turny road of random thoughts. That said, I walked away with these thoughts.

Do places like Haiti really need more orphanages? That's actually one I feel feel pretty confident about. Haiti does not necessarily need more orphanages. (I am not saying that no one should ever start a new orphanage there, just that to say it is flawed to think that if Haiti could build enough orphanages, the orphan problem would be solved. It is equally as flawed to think that if we could just find all of those children families, it would solve the orphan crisis.) There are hundreds maybe even over a thousand orphanages in Haiti. What Haiti needs is a system that encourage families to stay together and embraces orphanage care only as a last resort, a system that does not promote dependency on orphanages for food, education, or child care. (Right now, many orphanages operate feeding and schooling programs. While those things are good, there is an aspect of that which promotes dependency on orphanages and encourages parents to place their children simply so the parent can ensure their children have food and an education.) Obviously, just stopping those types of programs would be wrong. It would leave a hole in the services that many families desperately need. But there is a need for orphanages, feeding programs, and schools to set visions that decrease dependence and promote independence.

Haiti also needs a government system in place that can adequately serve families. Right now, one of the major issues Haiti faces in terms of orphan care is that there is an inefficient child welfare system that has a hard time monitoring cases of child abuse and is not able to adequately monitor orphanage care. Many orphanages in Haiti, while well meaning, are literally hellholes where kids are lucky to get one meal a day, where kids sleep on the floor without mattresses, and where kids have literally only the raggedy clothes on their backs. And of course, there are plenty of places where they are in it for the money, hoping to make a buck or two from any place they can while claiming to be caring for children.

And that doesn't even begin to cover the abuse that occurs within orphanages. I am not defending any orphanage but even within the best orphanages, I would say the chances of abuse are high. You are taking kids from a variety of backgrounds and placing them into a chaotic situation. (Even the best orphanages are chaotic in a sense. There is not the one on one connections made like within a family and anytime you have more than a handful of kids in one place, you are creating chaos.) Chaotic situations lend themselves to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Add in the dimension that the kids are all coming from somewhere and even if every staff member is amazing and does not abuse, there is a chance that a child who was abused before he/she entered orphanage care will become an abuser. To be honest, as a public school teacher, I am amazed that our fairly structured American school systems do not have more instances of inappropriate sexual abuse perpetrated from child to child. The bathrooms alone provide multiple opportunities each day for a previously abused child to have inappropriate contact with someone. And I can personally share how I have had a child display inappropriate sexual behavior to an entrie class of children right in front of my eyes. That's in a public school system with well trained adult and with kids who go home at night. When you figure that most of the staff in an orphanage have no formal training and have to monitor kids 24/7 including night time hours, it can be very difficult to keep abuse from happening. (I am not saying that this excuses orphanages; orphanages who know abuse is going on have an obligation to stop it. I'm just saying that even the most vigilant of place will probably deal with some type of abuse.) Right now, I'm guessing the government agency that oversees all of this would be hardpressed to explain how they are educating orphanages as to how to prevent abuse and I'm fairly certain that very little is done to deal with orphanage staff who are abusive. (It would also be interesting to know what standards this agency has in place to evaluate orphanage care and to help train and educate orphanages on the best ways of providing childcare while promoting the insolvency of families.)

Within Haiti, an effective child welfare system would also need to deal head on with the cultural institution of resteveks, in which a family allows their child to "stay with" another family. However, most of these situations are nothing more than child slavery. (One can see how trying to encourage in country foster care/adoption could be a huge problem when this is such a widely accepted practice.)

And the Haitian government would also need to find an effective system for eliminating corruption among its officials who govern adoption as well as within the processors/lawyers/orphanage staff who work on adoption. Unfortunately, adoption means lots of money and when you infuse mass amounts of money into a country like Haiti, corruption and greed will be very hard to root out. I don't know that I have a lot of good answers on how to ensure ethical and fair adoptions. I also wonder how those same standards apply to domestic adoptions which are literally big business in a lot of ways. (Think $20 to $30 thousand dollars for one adoption. I've never done a domestic adoption and do not believe they should be free, but I have real concerns about where all of the money goes.) And that doesn't even take into account our foster care system which we all know is barely functioning. The real question is how do you put such systems into effect in Haiti when our first world country has difficulty. I know some would like to see a central agency begin processing the applications for families who want to adopt and then assigning those files to specific, approved orphanages. In theory, it sounds great. In practice, there are several countries who already follow this practice and this seems to have significantly slowed down the process to adopt. I don't know what the solution is.

And to be honest, I don't have a lot of good ideas for eliminating the basest of corruption that is just money centered. There is also corruption that exists that is kind of of a purer type, the kind that really believes it is doing the right thing, even if it means breaking a few rules. That's the part that is the hardest for me to sort out, especially in a country like Haiti where rules often seem very fluid. What do you do with a parent who agrees to place their child for adoption, then gets mad at someone and refuses to attend the final interview that will release their child to a new life? What do you do with the child who desperately needs medical care and might qualify for a medical visa? Should you place them in potential adoptive placement knowing that they are technically required to come back to their home country to finish an adoption but hope they will be allowed to stay with their host family? I am not saying I have the answers to those questions; I really don't. I've never been in that situation and have never had to decide what to do. I just know it's not always black and white. Real Hope for Haiti just posted a variety of situations that they have been faced with in the last few days. One can easily see how it could be tempting to just say "well place those kids for adoption" and how easily it could be to doubt that choice or vice versa to just say "give those families some money" and then doubt that choice. Really what is probably most necessary is for people who are in those positions where they have to make ethical decisions to constantly be evaluating their positions, for those individuals to continue to think critically about how they are involved in the ethics of adoption/orphan care.

**The other day, after writing this, I sat down with another adoptive mom, one who adopted domestically, and our conversation included some of this. One of the things I think we both felt was that what makes adoption so messy is that it is situational. What is best for one family/birth mom/child is not always what is best for the other. Because of that, it means this isn't always a "right" way to do things. (I know Tara is saying that we need to be evaluating what are basic "right" ways of operating. I'm not saying that isn't an important conversation. Just that it could be entirely possible to embrace groups that work in ways that seem to operate in opposite ways. We personally support Real Hope for Haiti which leans much more towards a family preservation philosophy. Yet we also support an orphanage that does not allow families to leave their children in their care unless the family agrees to place for adoption. (Generally speaking...they do make exceptions but as a general practice, they have decided that they cannot be a place that allows parents to drop off and pick up children at their convenience.) So perhaps that's the biggest take away. To evaluate but to also to consider how there isn't always one right answer.

Plan B

2011-06-21T20:22:00.000-05:00

Eh...my dad still has cancer. The doctor originally thought they removed most/all of it when they took out the mass. They had said there might be some in the lining of the colon. (Check for yes.) And apparently there is also some in the lymph nodes. So it looks like after his digestive tract heals up, he will have to do some form chemo/radiation. At least I am kind of feeling like my joy was not situational. (Per the previous post.) I'm of course sad and disappointed about those results but I have slid on into the pity party of "why me?" Well, maybe I visited there but it was just a brief moment. As with anything, I'm sure I'll return. Hopefully, not for a while.

For your inner super hero

2011-06-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

Kenson, after tying a blanket around his neck to be a super hero: "What dis called?"

Me: "A cape."

"Why he need a cape?"

"So he can fly."

"But I can't fly with my cape."

"I know. It's just pretend. It's fun to imagine in your head that you can fly."

"Oh. How do you do that."

"Well it's up to you to decide. Maybe spin around or go outside on the swing and pretend you're flying."

"Oh."

A few minute later, "Okay I spinned around and I'm still not flying. Why won't it work?"

Really, God?

2011-06-20T08:19:00.004-05:00

From two Thursdays ago...
For the first time in my life (at least that I can really remember), I have started to struggle with feeling like God is giving me the short end of the stick. In general, I am a pretty Pollannaish person. When it comes to big picture thinking, I can look past heartache and see how whatever is happening is not unique to me, that everyone has crappy stuff happen in life and that it is not about God singling me out just for kicks.

To be quite honest, the last five years of my life contain more drama than I would really like . Two international adoptions, one major natural disaster, the terminal illness of my dear mother in law, the sudden death of my husband's grandfather, and the somewhat expected death of my grandmother. More recently, as my husband's grandmother's health declined, we've stepped into a more involved role in her life and ultimately have spent the last month walking beside her as she passed away. My husband's dad ended up in the hospital while all of this was going on with blood clots and while okay now, it certainly added to the stress at the time. All of those things were done with my kids in absentia as D and I spent a lot of time about 2 1/2 hours away from our home. (Insert a big sigh from me for added stress.)

And in all of that, I've really managed to not get to crabby at God about it. I hated my mother in law's death and kind of had a bit of a pow wow with God about it several months after her passing, but during the thick of it, I was too consumed by the moment to really think too much. And afterwards, His answer to me about it was decisively quick, leaving me no room for conversation. And with Conleigh's adoption, being stuck in one office for over 15 months was maddening. So maddening that I had a bit of a prayer crisis about it mostly because praying seemed like a mute point. But God of course used that to teach me how prayer is more about the process than the end result. And I seemed to understand how the situation was more about an inefficient government than about a God who was out to get me.

This week though my dad had a cancerous mass removed from his colon. And for some reason, the question of "really, God?" came almost immediately. "Isn't it enough that we've been dealing with major sickness for the last month?" "Isn't enough that my mother in law died at a young age from cancer?" I'm not sure why, perhaps just emotional fatigue, perhaps just my human heart is finally letting it's guard down a bit. I got lost in it all, caught up with that feeling of why is God choosing to do this to me. And that is where I think most people who doubt God's goodness get stuck. It's not that asking that question is wrong. It's that people stop in to visit God with that question and never leave. They cannot get past that question. It festers and burns. They pick at it like a bad scab but never let it heal. And the gaping hole that was left in their lives by some unforseen tragedy continues to gape and ooze and bleed. And as I said before, I don't think I've ever really gone down that road. Until this week. I'm not sure where I am with all of that. I don't doubt God's goodness for a moment. And I don't believe that the things that happen in this life that are painful are born of God. Instead I believe they are a result of sinful people who mess things up with their choices or the work of a crafty devil who triest to deceive us into hating God. But I am a bit weary of it all and am finding myself wishing that God's Sovereign hand would intervene a bit. And I think I'm a bit ticked that it hasn't.

From today...
My "really, God?" moment seems to have passed. Probably more related to the fact that the doctors think they have removed all the cancer than my heart really processing it. I dislike that I am probably connecting comfort with the care of God because I don't believe that God shows His love for us by making us comfortable. And I dislike that I am letting my joy be a bit situational because I believe that joy is not about our circumstances. But I am thankful to not be sitting under a dark cloud of emotion. And I am thankful that the drama seems to have subsided although my dad still has a ways to go before he feels back to normal and before my mom will be able to get back to her normal routine.

Love me some adoption based regression!

2011-06-14T20:52:00.001-05:00

Okay, maybe that's a bit of a question mark but at least that's what it feels like.

I have one who transitioned home very seamlessly. Aside from a few major melt downs ie 45-60 minute tantrums, this child just adjusted to a completely new life with few glitches. However, for some reason, within the last 3 or 4 months, it seems like we are getting to experience some of the emotion that perhaps that child didn't process the first time around. Lengthy tantrums with a fairly heavy dose of anger that includes hitting at grown ups and being defiant.

I know, I know, sounds like regular toddlerish stuff. But it is all very out of character for this child. It just feels like there is an anger in there that is more than just "I'm mad because I didn't get my way."

Tonight's bedtime brought on one of those moments. While reading Curious George Goes to the Hospital for the billionth time, one child kept moving all over the bed and not watching the story. When I asked that child to stop and not spin in a circle, the other child immediately spun in a circle right next to me. (Not a huge deal but lately both of my kids have struggled with obeying the first time. Heck, I'd even go with obeying the second or third time but right now it seems like we are lucky if there is a response at all.) That said, I sent the second spinner to his/her room. Bring on the tears and yelling and pouting and flailing.

I finished the story with the other child, sang with the other child, and then joined child two who had stopped for a few moments but then started right back up. The child was still angry so I offered up some suggestions on how to deal with the anger appropriately like using a pillow to throw/hit or talking to God about it. I let this child sort that part out and when I came back a few minutes later, the child was having a pillow fight with the floor. (At least that was a good choice.)

The child said he/she was ready to talk tso into bed for some cudddling and talking about 1. the anger and 2. the disobedience that occurred with the book. As we started with the anger part, I covered all my adoption bases and headed down the "sometimes I wonder if when you are mad at this mama, your anger gets all mixed up and that sometimes you feel angry at your Haiti Mama too."

Sobs.

More adoption talk.

"And I wonder if sometimes you are mad because it feels like your Haiti Mama left you at the orphanage."

More sobs.

"And sometimes I wonder if you are mad because your Haiti Mama isn't here."

More sobs.

"And sometimes I wonder if when you get angry over other things if that anger you have at your Haiti Mama gets all mixed up inside."

Intense sobs and big sloppy tears from the mama in the room.

"You know, I think your Haiti Mama loved you a lot even if it doesn't feel like it."

Quiet and then, "Why she leave me, if she loved me?"

And now into the nitty gritty, the hard parts that just sucketh like no other. "Well, she didn't have very many choices. One choice was to take you to a place where there was food and where you would be safe. The other choice was to keep you with her and not have enough food to feed you and then be worried you might get sick or die."

Given our current family situation with the death of D's grandma, the death part sparked the curiousity.

"Die? What you mean?"

And so we went, down the adoption road, the one that I as a parent tread so lightly on, hoping I guessed right at to how the emotions and experiences of my kids are either tied to the events of today or the shadows of the past.

Braid Locs in Box Braids

2011-06-13T18:28:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago in Walmart, Conleigh saw a girl who was probably ten or so with box braids that kind of stuck up in a funky sort of way. (Those of you who know box braids know just what I mean.) She instantly said, "I like that hair!" I asked her if it looked like Haiti hair since a lot of the time the kids have their hair in some form of box braids there. She said "yes" but who knows if that's really what she thinks or not? Anyway, it's now been dubbed Haiti hair so this week I set out to put her braid locs in box braids. It's all pretty much pre parted due to the way the braid locs are put in. So it didn't take too terrible long to put them in. (Probably less than an hour and we've had them in for four days now and should be able to get probably two to three more days before I try a braid out with them.) Since the box braids are actually braided braids, they have a different look to them than regular box braids. All sealed off with a lot of white daisy snaps/barrettes which she loves hearing as they click clack when she shakes her head or tips her head backwards.

Wisdom from Kenson

2011-06-12T17:36:00.001-05:00

"Squirrels can bite. They can think your hand is a nut!"

While eating corn on the cob, after being told the center part was called the cob..."This is corn. And it's on a cob! That's why they call it corn on a cob!"

Matching Mondays

2011-06-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

Jana and Daniel-2 and 3 year old siblings in Eastern Europe, one is HIV positive, one is not

14 month old Daniel-in Haiti, we seriously considered looking at accepting a referral for him but a variety of factors related to finances and the Haitian rules regarding ages made it seem too risky for us, perhaps another family is a better match, Heather Breems is the contact person

HIV is a disease that most people are uneducated on. Most people in the U.S. think of Ryan White and an always fatal illness. They also think of how easily it might be transmitted. The reality is that information is outdated. HIV is now a chronic, but manageable illness akin to (or according to some doctors even more manageable than) diabetes. There has only been one case of HIV being transmitted among family members via normal household type activities in the years since they've started tracking that data. Visit Project Hopeful or more info.

Loving the vintage toys!

2011-06-05T21:26:00.001-05:00

With the passing of D's grandma comes the inevitable cleaning out of her house. D and his brother are the only remaining family members and since his brother was back from Boise, we spent the two or three days before her funeral going through the house. Aside from the $2, 000 plus we found in assorted places around the house ie both bathrooms and the kitchen, all in loose change, we scored a couple of great vintage finds for the kids. How fun are these?

Love this little embroidered apron that I'm guessing belonged to D's mom.
Cute, cute, cute!
Perfect for playing in the kitchen.

I'm also in love with this handmade doll highchair.
The back has the initials M.E.C. so it was D's grandma's when she was little, so from the thirties.
The baby dolls of the house are very appreciative!

A Warning for Conleigh's Future Friends

2011-06-04T22:12:00.000-05:00

Oh my dear little Conleigh! She is probably way too much like me. I suppose that means that it is easy for me to pinpoint her faults because a lot of them are things I see in myself. I find myself constantly challenged to not describe her with terms that have a slightly negative vibe to them. Anyway, I digress...
This week perhaps my favorite line from her showcases her personality. She is stubborn and determined and too smart for her own good. (See how all of those tend towards the negative? It can be so hard to see the flip side of those things as tenacious and resilient, witty, quick thinking, and unlikely to be swayed.)

Anyway, to set the tone, one should probably know that I often tell my kids they can do all sorts of things when they are bigger. I do so in an attempt to divert a tantrum that is stemming from me telling them no, they can't do something by telling them they can do it when they are 18. (Or whatever age seems appropriate.)

So it often goes like this. "No, you can't eat in the living room. But you can when you are 18." (Stole that one from one of my dear friend's mom. As a teen, I always thought Kate's living room rule was lame; now I see it's value.)

"No, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. But you sure can when you are 18."

"No you can't wear your swimming suit over your sweat pants, with your tutu, cowboy boots, and cowboy hat to Walmart. But maybe when you're 18."

Conleigh though determined to beat me at my own game.

Yesterday, I caught her enjoying a mid afternoon snack right out out of the ever handy Nostril Cafe. When I told her to stop, she quickly replied, "When I get big, I will eat my boogers!"

Okay, my dear.

You win.

You can certainly pick your nose and eat it at any point you'd like once you get bigger.

I'll start preparing your future prom date so he will at least be expecting it.

I Need a List-How about one for my books?

2011-06-04T03:22:00.000-05:00

I have to say that I have been waiting for "normal" life for the past oh, let's say four months. Apparently, God had other plans. Between soccer starting and soccer being in full swing and soccer ending and D's grandma getting sick and passing away, the last 3-4 months have been a dizzying mess. I am craving a schedule but alas, summer is here so it will be a hodgepodge of one week of this schedule and one one of another. All in all, I am currently feeling the compulsion to make lists. Lots of them. Because I'm pretty sure having lists indicates that I'm still in control of life. (Yes, that's how I roll=tightly clenching the bits of control between my fingers.)

I could of course make some productive lists like what our weekly schedule is or a to do list but I'll save that for another time. Instead, I'll share some of the things I've been reading or hope to read soon.

I found an old copy of this at our local thrift store and have been slowly eating away at it. So very interesting. Did you know that the all but one of the astronauts on the first Apollo mission were first borns? Or that oftentimes car salesmen are last borns? I'm not sure how concrete the science is but the antedotal evidence is just crazy.

This isn't actually the version I'm reading but close enough. Again, something I've been gnawing away at. The copy I have is an old copy that once again, came to me via the local thrift store. I have never read Sherlock Holmes but have been meaning to so when I saw it at the store, it was 50 cents well spent. I am a mystery fan as well as historical fiction. And the Victorian period just fascinates me. So I'm a happy camper with this find. (And did you know that Sherlock Holmes loved herion? Or maybe it was cocaine? It's been a few weeks since I read it but I loved reading that little detail which is one of those things where the author had no idea of how that would appear in the context of the 21st century.)

Hate to say it but again a thrift store book. (Different thrift store than the previous two though.) Only picked it up because I know there's a bit of a hullaballoo surrounding Rob Bell's latest book on heaven. Haven't actually read it but am interested to read his thoughts on how Christians might live in fresh, radical ways.

This was actually what I was supposed to have finished for my Facebook Bible study group. However, life interupted and I am about 2/3 done. It's been an okay book. I love books that challenge you to live your life to it's fullest which i what this book's main objective is. I think it's been more a subtle reminder than a bold slap in the face. Perhaps this week I will get back into my quiet time routine. The last 3 weeks have amounted to about zippo time spent alone with God in any really concentrated way. Of course I've prayed and listened to Christian radio but I have not gotten around to any serious time with the Lord lately.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

2011-06-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

*Today, Kenson and Conleigh invented a new language. I have no idea what they are calling it but they've been running around all day talking in some form of babbling that sounds a bit like baby talk. One will talk, the other will answer and you can tell it's an answer via the inflection and non verbals. Not sure what to think about that one...thoughts of my high school study hall keep running through my mind. (My cousins and I all spoke "gibberish" and used it to our advantage in a shared study hall. We also invented the "Morse Code" of knocking on the table. Poor Mrs. Brass...I'm sure she was glad to see us go!)

*Kenson told me at supper that his tummy was getting very big because he had a baby in there. Let's hope not! (Of course, he also wanted to know today how babies get back in their mama's v*gin*'s so...)

*A funeral with two four year olds is interesting. My favorite questions? At the funeral home, Kenson wanted to know if Great-Grandma was there and upon hearing yes, he quickly said with eyes wide as could be, "This is heaven?" And after attending the graveside service, as we were leaving the church Kenson asked where Great-Grandma's head was. Apparently he was quite concerned that she might be buried without it.