What drives you nuts the most? Whiney kids in the Walmart check out lane who cry and pout until their parents put candy on the conveyor belt? A defiant child at the daycare center who isn't ready to leave so she stomps her feet, backtalks to her mother, and finally takes a swing in her mother's direction? The kids who are eating in the restarant booth adjacent to yours who apparently have no idea what an indoor voice is and who must have springs in their pants because they keep sitting down, popping up, sitting down, popping up...all while Mom is loudly complaining, "I don't know why I even had kids."
I'm willing to bet that every single one of those situations drives you crazy and that at some point in time, upon witnessing said situations, that you've muttered something under your breath about the parents who were connected to those misbehaving children. It's a small action, one that doesn't seem like a big deal. But the longer I live, the more I recognize how those little, seeminly innocent behaviors, have a way of sneaking into our lives and corrupting our hearts. In this instance, discussing or gossipping or making comments behind someone's back can seem like an act of concern. We act concerned because most of us believe there are certain standards of behavior that children should adhere to and that these standards are necessary so that the children develop into good citizens.
But the reality is, most of the time, our concern is pretty fake. We are instead irritated that another mom doesn't have it all together and that her short comings are creating an uncomfortable situation for us. Or we gloat a bit and think things like "I'm glad my kids don't do that." and "I would never do that."
To bring ourselves back to the truth in those situations is to recognize that 1. no one has it all together 2. we are all sinners and can easily be pulled down into very base behavior and 3. everyone's child will act the prodigal at some point in their lives.
Satan uses the illusion of perfection to decieve and discourage moms on a regular basis. At least I often hear him whispering untruths to me in regards to perfection. "Maintain a sense of calm when you're out in public; save the irrational behavior for in private." "Good parents have children who are well behaved at almost every turn. Children who behave badly are the result of bad parenting." "If you really knew what you were doing, you wouldn't yell. Or bribe. Or feel angry." Whether hearing these messages and looking only at your own parenting abilities or if you've heard these messages and compared your parenting abilities with someone else's, the end result is the same: Satan pushes us as moms to be perfect and to look down on those who unlucky enough to hide their imperfections, especially in public.
Along the same lines, it's very easy to deceive oneself with the thoughts, "I would never act like that." We like to elevate ourselves above others. Take the mom who voiced her frustration outloud with the comment about wondering why she had children. I HATE adults who patronize children, who act like kids are not smart enough to pick up on what is being said. And I find it especially discouraging when adults communicate negative comments about their kids to their kids. So one would think I would choose my words carefully and not fall into such a disheartening sin. Hardly. Instead, I found myself saying outloud, in front of my kids, some comment about life being easier before they were around. Not a Mother of the Year Moment. And a very good reminder that no sin is so deep that I can't fall down into it. Parenting is no exception. There but for the grace of God go I.
Along with feeling the pressure to be a perfect parent, Satan also encourages us to persue the myth of a perfect child. Obviously, no child is perfect. Every child represents a heart that contains a natural tendancy to rebel and resist authority. And this means our kids are going to disobey and be disrespectful. It means other people's children will do the same. And it means believing that every child, no matter how well raised, will be a prodigal child at some point in time. Sometimes the prodigal wanders far from home, into heartaches and struggles no parent would wish for her child. Sometimes, the prodigal only ventures a short distance but nevertheless, the child is acting in ways that are hurtful, embarassing, and full of disobedience. Believing that children are not exept from the ill effects of a rebellious spirit helps us to understand their behavior, be it our own child's or someone else's. Along these same lines, I think it's important to remember that any good that comes out of our parenting is not a result of our own doing. It is the result of a loving heavenly Father who is teaching us how to parent. When I remember that my successes are a parent from not from my own strength but from the strength of God, it is much easier to keep my pride about my own parenting skills in check.
Certainly there are moms who to put it mildly aren't very good at this parenting thing. It's like anything else. Some people are naturally more gifted in some areas and motherhood, nurturing, and discipline are no exceptions. But I'm not sure that it's our place as fellow moms to point this out. If someone asks for our advice, that's one thing. But inserting ourselves into someone else's life univited via comments made directly to them, comments made to another mom, or comments made inside the solititude of our own head is something that I find way too easy to do. And a lot of times, if it's something that's way too easy to do, there's a pretty good chance it's not the best thing for me to be doing.
Instead, let us not grow weary of doing good and choose our words and actions so they might build others up according to their needs. Who knows why a child is misbehaving? Maybe he or she has a disability like ADD or Aspberger's that creates a unique situation? Maybe he or she stayed up way too late? Maybe the family schedule has been disrupted by a parent working long hours? And maybe, the kid is just a spoiled brat. Regardless, often the best response is a smile. One that says "I've been there and I'm not judging you because of it." For moms we know and love who seem to have consistent problems with their children's behavior, think how encouraged they might be if we sent a card with a few kind words acknowleding how hard parenting can be. Or think how encouraged they might be if we offered to give them a break from their kids, free of charge. I know there's a temptation to believe that by doing so we are "rewarding" a mom who is an ineffective parent. Let's not mistake love for agreement. I can love you and show you love but not be your yes man. No one is asking you to be the yes man. Just to be the loving man (woman) who reaches out and sees past the struggles one mom is having.
